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Dear Slim,
I wrote but you still ain't calling
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm about to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend who killed himself over some bitch who didn't
want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest
fan
I even got the underground shit that you did with Skam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Rawkus too, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan
Dear Slim,
you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm
depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell
it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you twenty-four-seven
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growing up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan --
P.S. We should be together too
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this will be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing ninety on the freeway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who could've saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you could've rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we could've been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about
it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about
it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without
me
See Slim -
Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screaming in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't
like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die
too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
Dear Stan,
I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I must've missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But what's this shit you said about you like to cut your wrists
too?
I say that shit just clowning dogg,
c'mon - how fucked up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down
some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you
in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doing just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as
a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made
me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with
his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it
was to
Come to think about, his name was... it was you.
Damn!
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Dear Rich,
How are you? How's Linda chillin'?
I guess you guys stayed home for Christmas, to do some 'stocking-fillin''...
Look, dude, I need some advice to do with my Longies
I just can do them anymore, dude, they come out funky
no matter how hard I try, and my long-subjects supply is running
dry
And yours are just fly man. Can you let me know why?
Is it my English? It can't be, cause my other shit gets nominated
But in Special they just don't vote for it, like it's fuckin'
contaminated
So what is it, dude? Please answer ASAP, I'm lost!
Help me out here, so I will have a new Special gem to post
Anyway, I hope I will hear from you soon,
See you later, Mey
(Oh, by the way, I bought a Computer-Cam today!)
Dear Rich,
What's up, you big lug? It's been a WEEK now and still no letters
You can't pretend I'm not here, dude! Cut it out! I think I deserve
better
Even if you went on a trip, fuck - you'd be back by now
I don't truly think my letters got lost on the web somehow
You know I ain't right in the head ever since I left the army
(and the initiation, uh, rituals I had there REALLY scarred me)
My shithead bitch is always shoutin' at me, day and night
God, sometimes I just wanna cut her up with a butcher-knife
Ah fuck, sorry... I didn't mean to write this, dude, honest
But if I won't be foreward it'll do me in, won't it?
I swear, dude, recently every goddamn day is just worse
It's just harder and harder to BREATHE anymore,
like a VACUUM. Maybe I'm cursed
See, yesterday, as I stared down from a really high window
I thought about what if I jump off from it - Yeeee-haaa!... you
know?
All these rude voices, BAD voices, appear in my head, they exist
on their own
They slowly whisper: 'Yooooouuuuuuuu're Deeeeaaad' or 'Dooo Heeeeeerrr'
and so on
You see? I'm losin' it here. So e-mail me before I lose more.
Bye, Mey
P.S. Do you ever think of death when you're bored?
Dear Aussie-Scum-Who-Doesn't-Give-A-Turd-About-Others,
Did I interrupt your nap? Gee, what a huge asshole *I* am, so
sorry to bother...
TEN DAYS I'm just waitin' you'd answer my e-mails, man!
Well, I got tired of waitin', that's why I'm sendin' you this
MPEG I shot with my Cam
You thought this was a friendly video, huh? Well, get a load
of THIS finger!
I'm not in a great mood, my bitch threw me out, I'm back being
single
Fuck, what did I ask for? To merely let me feel her pussy a bit
more?
Didn't look so hot for a score
when she shouted at me and then shut the door
Putrid slut. Well, guess what, you dumb louse? I won't be single
alone
I sent that tight-pussy of yours a gift by mail, with a 'sender
unknown'
Guess what it is, you git? Yup, a surprise called a TNT-stick
Just a trick I learned in the military, you DICK,
and made from a few things I nicked
I coulda teach you this, too, but it's too late for that now,
I just wish you could see her as she blows up to BITS, your damn
cow
I hope you'd be KNEE-DEEP in your own PUKE when it happens, you
lazy PIG
You'll be muted and then DIE, you vile badass, just cause you
fucked-up BIG!
I just asked for ONE lousy tip, was it too much?
But you were too busy livin' it easy and ass-fuckin' and such...
Hey, you know that song 'Stan' about this fan who went nuts and
all?
I 'grammed it in rap-style usin' my e-mails and posted it a minute
ago
Gotta run, I have some shootin' to do, so FUCK YOU and eat bile
Oh goddamn... How the hell do I attach a video file?
Dear Mey,
Sorry I didn't answer your e-mails in a while
Me and Linda went out for a two-weeks vacation,
across the nation, doin' it Aussie-style...
What's the MPG file you sent me? It kinda malfunctioned.
Was it important? Is it you and that cute girl of yours in action?...
Listen, I was sorry to hear you had bedroom-troubles, but I know
that by now things between you and her are probably warmer. I
trust you, bro...
As for all of the 'Oh Shit, I'm Goin' Nuts' stuff -
Huh huh huh! Love your humour! I couldn't stop myself from laughin'
my butt off!
Now, about your long anagrams - you need to relax
Not all of your four-hundred-words-or-more material sucks
But if you're so high-strung about it, I wrote you a few pointers:
You gotta avoid those group-related things for starters
Outside-voters won't get it, and the regulars hate it
Then you won't get nominated for it and won't get the credit
Also, you have to keep in mind to go for the classics
Most of the voters out there are Shakespeare-and-Poe-shit fanatics,
and don't get all that new shit, you know, that pop-rap mix for
teens
You should give a try to some sonnets, or even some biblical
shit, if you're so keen
Third thing, Mey - try not to use so much profanity -
Writing 'shit this' and 'fuck that' - that isn't too smart, you
see -
The voters are learned, they don't like it dirty. True, it's
a pity,
but face it - if you mess it too much, they'll just think it's
shitty
Last thing - I don't think that idea of yours works
'Grammin' our letters and all - it's a bad call;
again - you'll lose those who lurk
Listen, it's notable, just not postable. I really don't think
it's wise postin' our shit -
they'll just think we're nutty, not to mention The Shrink...
Anyway, gotta go, I should really call Linda back
She got somethin' in the mail,
I told her to open it while I sort the e-mail stack
By the way, I'm readin' the a.a. posts you guys sent in while
I was gone
Gee, here's one by you! Oh boy, this one's really long -
Shit!
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