Nominations for December, 2020

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st Thomas W Hunter with:
Senior Biochemist =
He is into microbes

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
The bar scene =
A beer stench.

3rd - Maurice Goddard with:
What is the very most precious thing on our planet? =
It's human to give thirsty person pure clean H-two-O.

Adie Pena with:
In Christmas 'SALE' areas ~
a lass's riches are in ATM.

Adie Pena with:
Please cancel my subscription to Netflix now =
Notable sex in slow cryptic film can upset one.

Maurice Goddard with:
What is the very most precious thing on our planet? =
It's human to give thirsty person pure clean H-two-O.

Meyran Kraus with:
If in total silence, ~
I can listen to life.

Murray Cameron with:
The end of the world as we know it =
Look down there. Few wanted this.

Patrick Clark with:
Envy is in the strength we wish a vaccine had, ~
and this is why we can't ever have nice things.

Rick Rothstein with:
The bar scene =
A beer stench.

Rosie Perera with:
Hitting one's weight loss goal =
With eating less, go light soon!

Rosie Perera with:
Personal Protective Equipment ~
prevents quite romantic people.

Rosie Perera with:
Snow globes =
Songs below?

Rosie Perera with:
Kid on a long car ride, "Are we there yet?" =
Irked? Recite: "We are on a lengthy road...."

Rosie Perera with:
The anagrammatist's merchandise: ~
Aha, strange mismatched raiments.

Rosie Perera with:
Pandemic ornaments =
Am in can. Send more TP!

Thomas W Hunter with:
Senior Biochemist =
He is into microbes

Tom Myers with:
Find your inner Zen? =
NO! Ruined in frenzy!

Tony Crafter with:
Christmas without Christ is just M&S =
Christm&s! (just has humoristic twist).

View with:
An eroticism ~
is not a crime.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
The late English actress Dame Barbara Windsor DBE =
Blonde EastEnders matriarch...bet she was a bad girl!

Eq2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Kids Say The Darndest Things =
"Daddy's that singer. He stinks!"

Eq2nd - Adie Pena with:
The choirmaster's ~
"Oh, Christmas Tree."

Adie Pena with:
Yuletide carol "Silent Night" (Franz Gruber-Josef Mohr) =
Frozen? For true holiday cheer, just bring single malt!

Adie Pena with:
The choirmaster's ~
"Oh, Christmas Tree."

Alan Yoshioka with:
Tucker Carlson Tonight =
Stoking the cult rancor.

Bill Dorner with:
All I want for Christmas is you =
Woman has flirtatious lyrics!

David Bourke with:
The late English actress Dame Barbara Windsor DBE =
Blonde EastEnders matriarch...bet she was a bad girl!

Meyran Kraus with:
The spirits in the Dickens novella 'A Christmas Carol' =
"Let's all visit Don, that rich American person. He's sick!!"

Paul Pan with:
Canadian actress Ellen Grace Philpotts-Page =
Epic angel cast as Elliot P., a transgender chap.

Rosie Perera with:
"Live from New York! It's Saturday night!" =
Finest hilarity on TV. Dream work, guys!

Rosie Perera with:
"Live from New York! It's Saturday night!" =
Finest hilarity on TV. Dream work, guys!

Rosie Perera with:
Kids Say The Darndest Things =
"Daddy's that singer. He stinks!"

Tony Crafter with:
The Mariah Carey song: 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' =
Watch, saying: "A merry, seasonal hit...? Or formulaic shit?"

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump's baseless conspiracy theories =
Our dismal psycho president can't bear losses.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Supreme Court of the United States =
'No' to Trump suit. The defeat's secure!

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
First prize for medical advancement =
Pfizer met demand for trial vaccines.

Adie Pena with:
Donald Trump's loyalists =
Dull party is so damn lost.

Adie Pena with:
The Christmas holidays now during a pandemic =
And why more social distancing has triumphed.

Adie Pena with:
A helper of Santa =
One elf has a part.

Bill Dorner with:
"Grandma got run over by a reindeer" =
Urban doe terror! I avenged my gran.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Prime Minister won't address any details =
Saw tar need reminders, yet, damn it, I lost ship :-(

Christopher Sturdy with:
First prize for medical advancement =
Pfizer met demand for trial vaccines.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Supreme Court of the United States =
'No' to Trump suit. The defeat's secure!

Meyran Kraus with:
Me last year: "Why is this year so bad?" =
As this year says: "Wait, hold my beer".

Patrick Clark with:
It's all over for Donald Trump. Say goodbye! =
No more vulgar lies told by a party of odds!

Phil Carmody with:
Scottish independence ~
disconnected the spine.

Phil Carmody with:
Rapid Unscheduled Disassembly =
Use dumb ideas, crash splendidly.

Rick Rothstein with:
Supporters sprint, demand ~
President Trump's pardons.

Rick Rothstein with:
Christmas Eve =
I see TV's charm.

Rosie Perera with:
Biden selects Buttigieg as Transportation Sec. =
LGBT persons get ecstatic about it, in readiness.

Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump's baseless conspiracy theories =
Our dismal psycho president can't bear losses.

Tom Myers with:
Georgia runoff election =
Going for a recount, I feel.

Tom Myers with:
The UK's variant is out of control =
Look out! That virus's into France!

Tom Myers with:
Thus a dunce spent millions ~
in the second stimulus plan.

Tom Myers with:
Pierre Cardin dies. =
Career did inspire!

Tony Crafter with:
Prince William and Kate's first NHS whistlestop tour =
Simple train trips with wife to thank all nurses, docs.

Valery Silivanov with:
pandemia, riots =
paranoid times

View with:
The Christmas holidays during the new pandemic =
Stay at home - diminish such danger. Children wept

2nd - Paul Pan with:
Vice President Kamala Harris =
America's kind heart prevails.

3rd - Paul Lusch with:
Fashion mogul Peter Nygard =
Thug of a man preyed on girls.

Adie Pena with:
Saint Nicholas (also known as "Father Christmas") =
Oh, so "Santa" is this character fans know in malls.

David Bourke with:
Patrice Runner =
Recurrent pain!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Donald Trump's attorney Rudolph William Giuliani
=
A
Grumpish
Imprudent
Ultra-
Loyal
Idiot --
And
Now
Ill

Meyran Kraus with:
The American president Donald Trump =
I'd pardon the meanest darn culprit... Me!

Michele Pretolani with:
Kamala Harris =
Ah, AKA Mrs Liar!

Murray Cameron with:
David Lange =
A dang devil!

Paul Lusch with:
Fashion mogul Peter Nygard =
Thug of a man preyed on girls.

Paul Pan with:
Vice President Kamala Harris =
America's kind heart prevails.

Rick Rothstein with:
The American president Donald Trump =
Each pardon's imprudent, detrimental.

Tony Crafter with:
Balthasar, Melchior, and Gaspar, aka 'The Three Wise Men' =
Hark! A harbinger (a star) led them to a new Messiah place.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Donald Trump Presidency =
An odd peril pretty much ends.

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
The Pythagorean Theorem =
Math theory on page three.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The Brexit Withdrawal Agreement =
Battle extra-hard. Emerge with win!

Adie Pena with:
Bugatti Veyron Super Sport =
Buy gas, rev to purr, step on it!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago Resort in Palm Beach =
Grand club or rooms that pamper Melania's lad.

Meyran Kraus with:
Pfizer Corporation =
Prize: Corona profit.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Donald Trump Presidency =
An odd peril pretty much ends.

Paul Lusch with:
The Geminids meteor shower =
We rode to see night shimmer.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Loch Ness Monster, a.k.a. 'Nessie' =
The lake screams, "Oh, it's nonsense!"

Rick Rothstein with:
The Donald Trump Presidency =
Top hurdle? Try... pandemic's end.

Rosie Perera with:
The Pythagorean Theorem =
Math theory on page three.

Tony Crafter with:
The Brexit Withdrawal Agreement =
Battle extra-hard. Emerge with win!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Top Five American Flicks You've Gotta Watch On Christmas

1. It's A Wonderful Life
2. Gremlins
3. Home Alone
4. Scrooged
5. Die Hard
=
Things I learn from each one:

1. Love my town
2. Avoid chow after midnight
3. Some kids are cruel
4. Greed is foul
5. Scotch tape is fatal!

3rd - Maurice Goddard with:
Don't worry kids, Dr. Fauci said he's vaccinated Santa Claus
=
A tender dad's crucial act did us a favor -- St. Nick's on his way!

Adie Pena with:
Antonio Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons"
1. Spring
2. Summer
3. Autumn
4. Winter
=
1. Environment is so green
2. Warm up
3. A sad situation
4. Flu virus months.

Christopher Sturdy with:
You're showing classic symptoms of having the plague
=
Itchy spots; A phlegmy mess; Now a final, grievous cough.

John Ramos with:
"The Supreme Court really let us down. No Wisdom, No Courage!"
=
Mere loser lectured magistrates who unwound loony coup.

Maurice Goddard with:
Don't worry kids, Dr. Fauci said he's vaccinated Santa Claus
=
A tender dad's crucial act did us a favor -- St. Nick's on his way!

Meyran Kraus with:
The Top Five American Flicks You've Gotta Watch On Christmas

1. It's A Wonderful Life
2. Gremlins
3. Home Alone
4. Scrooged
5. Die Hard
=
Things I learn from each one:

1. Love my town
2. Avoid chow after midnight
3. Some kids are cruel
4. Greed is foul
5. Scotch tape is fatal!

Patrick Clark with:
Kevin Spacey releases a video on Christmas Eve, telling those who are struggling that 'it gets better'
=
Setting gloom, ever tightly bleak, suicide is no answer; it's a grave. To that, great speech nevertheless.

Rosie Perera with:
Letters to Santa reveal the toll the pandemic is taking on kids
=
Oh Santa! Ma dead, Pa sick. It's rotten hell. Give little rent tokens.

Tony Crafter with:
"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." - Ms Oprah Winfrey
=
"Wham! Another year - yet another f***ing chance to repeat historic wrongs." - S. Freud

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Batten down the hatches. A virus may wipe out the weak. Trump will sue and not concede. It is gonna be a long, hard year full of misery.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Warn them all? I'd use our machine to get every Wuhan bat I find in one day, go back a few years and put the whole lot in Trump's closets!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
I'll get a mass Twitter command to the public, thus: 'Danger! Hibernate for two full years and when you wake up, avoid anyone Chinese!'

Adie Pena with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
- Watch Covid unhealthily destroy us
- One must wear face mask and shield
- Buy a large amount of toilet paper
- Then begin winter NOW.

Adie Pena with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Check your temperature now
Out with ball leagues
Viral pathogen, a new sort, is deadly
Immunity can benefit
Do wash hands often.

Alan Yoshioka with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Cut hair.
Call on grandma now.
Impeach the mad bungler.
Set to refute fake news? Study.
Envision death will be with you, so pray. Atone.

David Bourke with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Anticipated in doom: Whatever sweeping future changes come in the New Year, no doubt that Meyran bloody Kraus will shaft us all!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
A pilot will get more warning before swift sky turbulence ahead than a nasty human virus to come. Heed the downplayed cautions!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
I repeat: Millions of weakened humans will succumb to death by a new fatal Wuhan virus, yet they congregate indoors. Ponder that!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
With new awareness, I'd banish Trump to the asylum, flying maltreated Dr. Fauci back, so he would go caution everyone on the planet.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
In a "Back to the Future" DeLorean, powered with plutonium, I can visit last December as my younger self, wash, and halt the agony now.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Stuck at home, grief and fear will be unpreventable.
Slow down, wait, and guard these:
* Your money
* Health
* Authenticity
* Compassion

Dharam Khalsa with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Humbug! Why 'gram
All the
Painful
Predictions--
You, who
Need
Essential
Work?
Yes, let's watch and
Embrace an
Attitude of
Renovation!

Maurice Goddard with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months.
How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Future IS bleak.
One *MUST* brace with
Resolve, to
Endure!
With a pandemic,
Awful days
Rage!
Now, honestly,
It may! In that
No
God can help!

Meyran Kraus with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Warn them all? I'd use our machine to get every Wuhan bat I find in one day, go back a few years and put the whole lot in Trump's closets!

Patrick Clark with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Wuhan forced plausible data mute. Know everything, say nothing? Is no claim dealt? I'd bet for much worse: penalty to these unaware!

Rosie Perera with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
You don't want to be alive. Withdraw to the glam golf camp and return in a few years. Unless a pandemic is on your bucket list. He he he.

Rosie Perera with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Don't worry at all about the "murder hornets" insanity. Fauci's meaningful Covid speeches will be enough to keep them away at dawn.

Rosie Perera with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
It's the last year you will have Trump as "president". Now he can defect to the warm, beckoning ennui of Mar-a-Lago. (Undoubtedly a wish!)

Rosie Perera with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
Batten down the hatches. A virus may wipe out the weak. Trump will sue and not concede. It is gonna be a long, hard year full of misery.

Tony Crafter with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
I'll get a mass Twitter command to the public, thus: 'Danger! Hibernate for two full years and when you wake up, avoid anyone Chinese!'

View with:
Let's suppose you find a time machine and can go back twelve months. How will you warn Earth about the dreadful year it's entering?
=
I have news for you! Stop fighting! Retrace this name - Corona! Why? Note, unusual pandemic malady will take the beaten, busted world!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Eight Oddest (And Real) Predictions from the Past about the Year 2020

1. "Animals, such as apes... will be capable of performing manual labor" (The RAND Corporation)

2. "Houses will be able to fly" (Author Arthur C. Clarke)

3. "Nanobots capable of entering the bloodstream... will make the normal mode of human food consumption obsolete" (Author Ray Kurzweil)

4. "Telepathy and teleportation will become possible" (Author Michael J. O'Farrell)

5. "There will be more robots used as therapists" (Trends expert Ariane Van de Ven)

6. "Roads and streets will be replaced by a network of pneumatic tubes" (Popular Mechanics)

7. "Humans arrive on Mars. It's an extraordinary event by any measure" (Wired)

8. "Predicting the future will be commonplace for the average person" (Futurist Dave Evans)
=
Let's examine the bizarre predictions in 2020:

1. Apes aren't laborers, but a few are elected for office and bankrupt nations.

2. Yep, more homes fly now. In major hurricanes.

3. Well, COVID could rather make food consumption in a real restaurant obsolete.

4. People dabble in Tele-Apathy, by watching Netflix dramas. And we aren't allowed to teleport in a lockdown.

5. The closest people got to such artificial helpers are Real Dolls.

6. No tube-based commute, rather, but YouTube offers many viral Russian Dash-Cam videos.

7. Traveling to Mars proves to be rather harder than we thought, but people are burning up our world to make it resemble Mars as much as possible.

8. Humans appear to have mastered the art of terrible clairvoyance - mainly in harmful polls and on the web.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Harvey came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his dozing wife, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke to find himself at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter was waiting. 'Sorry Harvey, I'm afraid you died in your sleep,' he said.

Harvey was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that will be as a chicken.'

Harvey was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen! How's your first day here?'

'Well... not bad,' replied Harvey the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Just like I'm going to explode!'

'Ah, you're ovulating,' replied the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'No, never," replied Harvey

'Well, just chill out and let it all happen,' said the rooster. 'It's not a big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg.

Wow! He was overcome with wonder and emotion as he experienced motherhood. When he laid another egg - his euphoria was quite overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third, he felt a whack on the back of his head, and heard...

Harvey! Harvey! Wake up! You've shit the bed!=
After a long illness, Pam died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she waited for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a big banquet table. Seated at it were her parents and many other people she'd loved who'd passed on before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings: "Hi, Pam!" and, "We've been waiting for you!"

When St. Peter came by, she said to him, "This place is fantastic! How do I get in?"

No problem, you just have to spell a word, he told her.

Which word? she asked.

Love.

Pam correctly spelled LOVE and St. Peter let her in.

About three years later, St. Peter came to see her and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm very surprised to see you, Kevin, said Pam."How have you been?"

No offence, girlie, but I've been doing great since you died, he told her.

I married the foxy young nurse who took care of you when you were ill. Then I won the jackpot on the lottery, so I sold the hovel you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. Then my sexy wife and I travelled in luxury around the globe.
You must first spell a word, Pam told him.

OK, which word? asked Kevin

Czechoslovakia.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The Ten Most Expensive Paintings Ever Sold in US$*
1. Leonardo da Vinci's Salvator Mundi
2. Willem de Kooning's Interchange
3. Paul Cézanne's The Card Players
4. Paul Gauguin's Nafea Faa Ipoipo (When Will You Marry?)
5. Jackson Pollock's Number 17A
6. Gustav Klimt's Wasserschlangen II
7. Mark Rothko's No. 6 (Violet, Green and Red)
8. Rembrandt's Pendant portraits of Maerten Soolmans and Oopjen Coppit
9. Pablo Picasso's Les Femmes d'Alger ("Version O")
10. Amedeo Modigliani's Nu couché
=
1. Jesus Christ the Savior
2. Franz Kline-influenced landscape
3. Poor unshaven peasants in Provençal
4. Two Tahitian natives on a paradise isle
5. Valued drippings regarded as "Expressionism"
6. Just naked kinky females snuggling
7. Brave abstract masterpiece in color
8. Pompous people's old wedding portraits
9. I'm looking at a group of naked women (also more mammary glands!)
10. Someone unclothed, a lone lovely woman reclining on a blue cushion (costs more than $176M).

Adie Pena with:
The Ten Most Expensive Paintings Ever Sold in US$*
1. Leonardo da Vinci's Salvator Mundi
2. Willem de Kooning's Interchange
3. Paul Cézanne's The Card Players
4. Paul Gauguin's Nafea Faa Ipoipo (When Will You Marry?)
5. Jackson Pollock's Number 17A
6. Gustav Klimt's Wasserschlangen II
7. Mark Rothko's No. 6 (Violet, Green and Red)
8. Rembrandt's Pendant portraits of Maerten Soolmans and Oopjen Coppit
9. Pablo Picasso's Les Femmes d'Alger ("Version O")
10. Amedeo Modigliani's Nu couché
=
1. Jesus Christ the Savior
2. Franz Kline-influenced landscape
3. Poor unshaven peasants in Provençal
4. Two Tahitian natives on a paradise isle
5. Valued drippings regarded as "Expressionism"
6. Just naked kinky females snuggling
7. Brave abstract masterpiece in color
8. Pompous people's old wedding portraits
9. I'm looking at a group of naked women (also more mammary glands!)
10. Someone unclothed, a lone lovely woman reclining on a blue cushion (costs more than $176M).

Maurice Goddard with:
On record day for covid-nineteen deaths, Trump falsely proclaims at packed Hanukkah party, 'We're going to win this election'.
=
Deep in a world of inane fantasy, a chronically petty, power-demented, ogreish Lame Duck viperous crook, can't think straight!

Meyran Kraus with:
The Eight Oddest (And Real) Predictions from the Past about the Year 2020

1. "Animals, such as apes... will be capable of performing manual labor" (The RAND Corporation)

2. "Houses will be able to fly" (Author Arthur C. Clarke)

3. "Nanobots capable of entering the bloodstream... will make the normal mode of human food consumption obsolete" (Author Ray Kurzweil)

4. "Telepathy and teleportation will become possible" (Author Michael J. O'Farrell)

5. "There will be more robots used as therapists" (Trends expert Ariane Van de Ven)

6. "Roads and streets will be replaced by a network of pneumatic tubes" (Popular Mechanics)

7. "Humans arrive on Mars. It's an extraordinary event by any measure" (Wired)

8. "Predicting the future will be commonplace for the average person" (Futurist Dave Evans)
=
Let's examine the bizarre predictions in 2020:

1. Apes aren't laborers, but a few are elected for office and bankrupt nations.

2. Yep, more homes fly now. In major hurricanes.

3. Well, COVID could rather make food consumption in a real restaurant obsolete.

4. People dabble in Tele-Apathy, by watching Netflix dramas. And we aren't allowed to teleport in a lockdown.

5. The closest people got to such artificial helpers are Real Dolls.

6. No tube-based commute, rather, but YouTube offers many viral Russian Dash-Cam videos.

7. Traveling to Mars proves to be rather harder than we thought, but people are burning up our world to make it resemble Mars as much as possible.

8. Humans appear to have mastered the art of terrible clairvoyance - mainly in harmful polls and on the web.

Tony Crafter with:
Harvey came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his dozing wife, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke to find himself at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter was waiting. 'Sorry Harvey, I'm afraid you died in your sleep,' he said.

Harvey was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that will be as a chicken.'

Harvey was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen! How's your first day here?'

'Well... not bad,' replied Harvey the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Just like I'm going to explode!'

'Ah, you're ovulating,' replied the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'No, never," replied Harvey

'Well, just chill out and let it all happen,' said the rooster. 'It's not a big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg.

Wow! He was overcome with wonder and emotion as he experienced motherhood. When he laid another egg - his euphoria was quite overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third, he felt a whack on the back of his head, and heard...

Harvey! Harvey! Wake up! You've shit the bed!
=
After a long illness, Pam died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

While she waited for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a big banquet table. Seated at it were her parents and many other people she'd loved who'd passed on before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings: "Hi, Pam!" and, "We've been waiting for you!"

When St. Peter came by, she said to him, "This place is fantastic! How do I get in?"

No problem, you just have to spell a word, he told her.

Which word? she asked.

Love.

Pam correctly spelled LOVE and St. Peter let her in.

About three years later, St. Peter came to see her and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm very surprised to see you, Kevin, said Pam."How have you been?"

No offence, girlie, but I've been doing great since you died, he told her.

I married the foxy young nurse who took care of you when you were ill. Then I won the jackpot on the lottery, so I sold the hovel you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. Then my sexy wife and I travelled in luxury around the globe.

We were abroad on vacation today and I went skiing. I fell, hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

You must first spell a word, Pam told him.

OK, which word? asked Kevin

Czechoslovakia.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
COVER GIRL
by Wendye Savage

Owning many colors of nail polish shades
Her face well powdered, perfectly made:
Neatly clothed, hair in place
An absolute picture of style and grace:
But when the sun went down, the moon came out
In crept messages of fear and doubt:
Clothes now hung, make up and shelf
Alone, listening to the inner self.
Reality sets in, the illusion snatched
Her inside and outside did not match:
For distorted truths and unkind words
Negative insults, is what she heard:
A diversion from truth, the diamond inside
Hidden behind messages, layers of lies.

=

COVID WORLD

Christmas dawn will never be the same,
Our tree is set up but what a useless shame.
Regret-filled, a world saddened and glum;
Once a year I hoped they'd come.
No cash, no funds, it's the wretched cat and me,
An isolated fifty-niner with no one to see.
Presence, not presents, I need a hand to hold,
A gift of health in this house so cold.
Night's and day's hours are getting longer;
Down and painfully wounded, not a bit stronger.
Eventually this suffering will surely end:
Maybe I'll visit a concerned friend.
Is happiness too much to ask?
Can I find her smile behind the mask?

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR

When I was seventeen,
It was a very good year.
It was a very good year for small town girls and soft summer nights;
We'd hide from the lights
On the village green,
When I was seventeen.

When I was twenty-one,
It was a very good year.
It was a very good year for city girls who lived up the stair
With all that perfumed hair,
And it came undone
When I was twenty-one.

When I was thirty-five,
It was a very good year.
It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls of independent means;
We'd ride in limousines
Their chauffeurs would drive,
When I was thirty-five.

But now the days are short.
I'm in the autumn of the year,
And now I think of my life as vintage wine from fine old kegs;
From the brim to the dregs,
It poured sweet and clear.
It was a very good year.
=
IT WAS A VERY ODD YEAR

When Twenty-Twenty dawned,
It was a very rough year.
It was a very rough year for fair good souls, with fools at the wheel;
It seemed too unreal -
Folks loved being pawns
When Twenty-Twenty dawned.

When COVID Grief begun,
It was a very grim year.
It was a very grim year for plagued old souls with infirmities;
As a priority,
None made No. One
When COVID Grief begun.

When we were staying in,
It was a very off year.
It was a very off year for hard-working souls who often have no dime -
All losing valued time,
Their wages stretched thin
When we were staying in.

And now I'm almost there,
The death of this divisive year,
And though I'm grateful to see their Don is done and COVID is stemmed,
The real problem's not them -
It is us I fear.
It was a very odd year.

David Bourke with:
Paddy the Aer Lingus captain was on the final approach at Dublin Airport, when he exclaimed to Seamus, his loyal co-pilot, "Well holy fookin' bejeesus, Seamus! Now will ye take a gander at how short dat runway down dere is!"

Seamus replied, wide-eyed with horror, "Ah, to be sure to be sure! Ye's not fookin' kiddin' me, Paddy!"

Paddy: "Dis is goin' to be one of de trickiest landings dat oi've ever had to do in moi entoire career, Seamus!"

Seamus: "Ah, ye's not fookin' kiddin' me dere eider, Paddy! Dat is de gospel troot. May de good Lord help us! And if He can't do dat, den may He have mercy on our souls!"

Paddy: "Don't panic, Seamus, don't panic! Oi've had a grand idea. Roite den...here's what we'll do...when oi shout out 'NOW!', you have to put all of de engines into dat reverse trust..."

Seamus: "Ah, roite so, Paddy! Good tinkin'...oi'll do just dat, so oi will!"

Paddy: "...and den, Seamus, ye'll have to put de all flaps roite down!"

Seamus: "Ah roite, and oi shall do dat too, Paddy! Oi'll crank de buggers vertical, so oi shall!"

Paddy: "And den ye stomp quick on de brakes just as hard as ye can, an' ye pray to de blessed holy mudder of God...an' while ye's at it, ye pray to all of de saints and all of de apostles too..."

Seamus: "Ah to be sure, oi'm prayin' already, Paddy, so oi am...but oi'll hit dem brakes for ye as hard as oi can, a sure ting so it is, begorrah!"
=
As the aeroplane was nearly down onto Irish soil, Paddy shouted out "NOW!! NOW!!". Seamus duly obliged in his important task, and put each engine into reverse, put all flaps down, and applied the brakes...and prayed to the holy mother Mary (and Co.) with all of his soul. Brakes screamed out and tyres squealed ominously, the aeroplane shook, skipped and skidded dangerously...as copious smoke everywhere in the air outside indicated.

But, to the joyous relief of Paddy and Seamus, and all their astounded passengers, the aeroplane incredibly juddered to a halt exactly a foot away from the grass, just avoiding a real disaster...and as they all untangled themselves from a pile of previously-overhead luggage, not to mention each other, all of the airport emergency services sped to the area.

Seamus stated "Dat was a noice smood and toidy one, eh Paddy? Ha ha!"

"Ah brilliant, we're boat still aloive, so we are!", added Paddy, dreamily.

As Paddy and Seamus regained some composure, Paddy looked out of a window and said to Seamus, "Chroist on a fookin' boike! Oi'd say dat bloody runway is, loike, probably de shortest one in de world!"

Seamus replied, "Indeed, Paddy, oi'd say so too!", adding "But oh moi giddy old oirish aunt, did ye not notice how ridiculously fookin' wide it is?"

Patrick Clark with:
The Lady who Knows Everything

An old tale tells of a lady who wanders Earth.
The Lady who Knows Everything.
A beautiful lady who has found every answer,
All meaning,
All purpose,
And all that was ever sought.

And here I am,

a feather

Lost adrift the sky, victim of the currents of the wind.

Day after day, I search.
I search with little hope, knowing legends don't exist.
But when all else has failed me,
When all others have turned away,
The legend is all that remains - the last dim star glimmering in the twilit sky.

Until one day, the wind ceases to blow.
I fall.
And I fall and fall, and fall even more.
Gentle as a feather.
A dry quill, expressionless.

But a hand catches me, between the thumb and forefinger.
The hand of a beautiful lady.
I look at her eyes and find no end to her gaze.

The Lady who Knows Everything knows what I am thinking.
Before I can speak, she responds in a hollow voice.
"I have found every answer, all of which amount to nothing.
There is no meaning.
There is no purpose.
And we seek only the impossible.
I am not your legend.
Your legend does not exist."

And with a breath, she blows me back afloat, and I pick up a gust of wind.
=
Unclaimed, Uninformed, Unearthed, Sent Off: A Brief Story

Even land where I had known,
Slowly down they blankly fall,
Walking out through hell unknown,
Walled in truth wrongly delayed.
What flaw of law shall translate
To expect knowledge or stall?

Why have a said reasoning?
Problematic government!
Wealth halfway operating!
These fallacies we had heard,
Shameful, he shies per his word,
Told in the fear he emit.

News flash: "Avoid the Nineteen,
Mask stays on, I have you warned.
Valuable to quarantine.
Farewell to a close exchange,
Keep two meters of his range."
Headline: "We Were Uninformed."

Make a mistake, hell awaits!
How disappointing yet true,
Holding standards like two gates,
Healthy fools misdirected,
Thin bonds spread out, soon fated,
Claiming the two are both you.

Seventy, eighty, ninety!
Abracadabra! Thousands!
Virus Nineteen fights mighty!
An animal infected,
Death counters that inflated,
Hope lies dry beneath hot sands.

If someday yields safe living
(Likelihood high, rules followed)
And vast business back blazing,
Hardly have we kept our health,
Example not on the shelf
With then any rain erode.

Patrick Clark with:
By means of wordplay, possible, thus so
To rearrange calamity unheard,
Then feed in meaning till coherence show,
No shutout hitherto a witless word.

A balanced letter set is what will stick.
No mishap, fiend! Their fog knew dawn of folk.
Dear Mystery Magician doing tricks:
The heed apt nigh, you vanish in the smoke.

And under vibrant color he unveiled,
Expecting them to seem all unenthused,
Their eyes look over what he'd just been failed.
Quizzaciously, that poor aura refused.

The forty a percent had seen him lost.
Bewildering, he wondered, "At what cost?"=
Per trickery does not look like it seems,
Unwise, unwell, he called he did it be.
A watchful eye then wept that he had dreams
To use the letters, not a prone, aft-pre.

An anagram developed incorrect,
So unforgiving, boos did carry on.
His gaze just points him back beyond his left.
He anxiously is asking us, "Eh? Wrong?"

You toll: "Had dare achievement ever? No!
To run around, to always fit a lie!"
Magician: "Pout through facts, now don't I know?"
Then oh, wretched them! Blind Smith frozen-eye.

He cries in shame, hardly indifferent,
But we all see what letter he had missed.

'Twas Q.

Patrick Clark with:
http://www.anagrammy.com/forum/message/215686>#215686
If Upon Either Faith Rule, Repeat: A Devastation Story Told in a Four-Way Anagram with Mathematical Word Length Constraints
(A Kind Tribute to Mike Keith)

Tony Crafter with:
TEARS
By
Ken Dodd

Tears for souvenirs are all you've left me
Memories of a love you never meant
I just can't believe you could forget me
After all those happy hours we spent (together)

Tears have been my only consolation
But tears can't mend a broken heart I must confess
Let's forgive and forget
Turn our tears of regret
Once more to tears of happiness

Tears have been my only consolation
But tears can't mend a broken heart I must confess
Let's forgive and forget
Turn our tears of regret
Once more to tears of happiness

Let's forgive and forget
Turn our tears of regret
Once more to tears of happiness

=

ANTHEM - A NATION'S TIERS

Tiers and Covid fears are all you gave us,
A Festive present from our Government,
You reassert those steps are meant to save us,
After many gloomy, barren months of lockdown.

Tiers are really meagre consolation,
As unprotected pubs can't openly serve ales,
Us poor men need the cheer
Of our jugs of cold beer,
To keep from going off the rails!

Tiers have been a source of consternation,
For tiers can't make pandemic terror go, for sure,
The battle's set to get tough,
Many debts to pay off,
Unfortunately, forevermore

But let's never forget
Our nation's eternal debt's
Forever to the NHS!

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
President Donald Trump's golden showers videotape =
Moron pondered, when Las Vegas prostitutes piddled.

Eq2nd - Murray Cameron with:
Inflatable sex doll =
So tall, and flexible!

Eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
It is too damn cold for an erection =
A senior tool of mine did contract!

Adie Pena with:
It is too damn cold for an erection =
A senior tool of mine did contract!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Can't you bugger off and mind your own business? =
Gruff, innocuous warning's to demean busybody.

David Bourke with:
President Donald Trump's golden showers videotape =
Moron pondered, when Las Vegas prostitutes piddled.

Meyran Kraus with:
Wackiest Punning for Christmas in Titles for Adults:=
- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting'
- 'Saint Prick'
- 'It's A Wonderful MILF'

Murray Cameron with:
Inflatable sex doll =
So tall, and flexible!

Tony Crafter with:
The American folk-singer Arthur Ira Garfunkel=
Fuck, Art, the large hair's... grim? No, freakin' unreal!

View with:
Courtesan =
A rose cunt.

The Anagrammy Awards