1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A step in the right direction =
Inspired, I inch to the target
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A grim life spent in denial =
I am pretending all is fine.
3rd - Murray Cameron with:
Hotdog eating competitions =
Champ to get indigestion too?
Brian Taylor with:
Free burger =
Reefer grub.
Christopher Sturdy with:
My first haircut since February =
Rather scruffy as I buy nice trim.
Colleen Parkin with:
Life is strange =
erasing itself
Dharam Khalsa with:
News: COVID has picked Influenza as its running mate =
The flu virus can campaign on kids' sneezes and win it!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Pearls of wisdom =
Aesop's wild form.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The sound of the train =
I often used that horn.
George Missailidis with:
The world-class contortionist =
Cool control in hardest twists
George Missailidis with:
Fifty - Nineteen + Seventeen - Thirty =
Ninety - Fifteen + Thirteen - Seventy
Maurice Goddard with:
Downing several pints of the local pub's draught beer =
Pissed full, I belched abrupt gas! Rotten hangover now!
Maurice Goddard with:
What is President Donald Trump's IQ? =
NOT sharp! Darn wild pest's quite dim!
Meyran Kraus with:
Dang, if I have a lot of beer ~
I'd feel a bit of a hangover!
Meyran Kraus with:
"Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" =
Magic words that solve the Berlin war.
Meyran Kraus with:
A grim life spent in denial =
I am pretending all is fine.
Meyran Kraus with:
Man: "We mated for two intense hours!" =
Woman: "He snored after two minutes."
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A step in the right direction =
Inspired, I inch to the target
Murray Cameron with:
Path of least resistance =
Plan for the easiest acts.
Murray Cameron with:
Opposition Leader =
A dope is in top role.
Murray Cameron with:
See this struggle? Not so hard ~
through rose tinted glasses.
Murray Cameron with:
What is the American dream? =
Where it's at. Made a man rich.
Murray Cameron with:
Hotdog eating competitions =
Champ to get indigestion too?
Murray Cameron with:
Eating Contests =
Ingest ten tacos
Paul Pan with:
Enlarged prostate =
pee-retardant slog.
Phil Carmody with:
Reconfigure your chart: a ~
category four hurricane!
Phil Carmody with:
Doing KFC religion =
Finger lickin' good.
Rick Rothstein with:
This describes Donald Trump in a nutshell: ~
A simple bullshit artist conned hundreds.
Rick Rothstein with:
In theory, this could work, ~
I reckon... who should try it?
Rosie Perera with:
Deaths of despair ~
stir as hope faded.
Rosie Perera with:
A more perfect Union =
Peace for me, not ruin.
Rosie Perera with:
What is the American dream? =
A time machine...earthwards!
Tom Myers with:
The best treatment for pain =
Ten pints of beer at the mart
Tom Myers with:
Renegade Catholics: ~
"I need a large scotch."
Tom Myers with:
She's on the pill =
Helps in hotels.
Tom Myers with:
Wafers and tea =
are dawn feast
Tom Myers with:
Low-grade depression ‡
Desire was prolonged.
Tom Myers with:
Does the name Pavlov ring any bells? =
Helps dog salivate by novel manner.
Tom Myers with:
Takes a victory lap =
Yep, it's a track (oval).
Tom Myers with:
We are living the dream =
Travel where imagined.
Tom Myers with:
Everything is under control =
"The line" during controversy.
Tom Myers with:
Gustatory Sweating =
Yogurt was its agent.
Tom Myers with:
Milking an alpaca =
A panicking llama!
Tom Myers with:
Life behind bars =
Fiendish rabble.
Tom Myers with:
It's a beast from hell =
A hot flame blisters.
Tom Myers with:
The result of a university education =
Found lucrative situation there, yes?
Tom Myers with:
In theory, this could work =
While your doctors think.
Tom Myers with:
Please remain calm and in your seat =
A menace dismantles your airplane.
Tom Myers with:
This could go sideways. =
What? Discuss ideology?
Tom Myers with:
My trip to the mortuary, ‡
Time to try humor, party.
Tony Crafter with:
Chasing a woman truly led to ~
doing what comes naturally!
View with:
Pseudo-medicine =
Used on epidemic?
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Gary Larson's "The Far Side" cartoon =
Hooray for its strange calendars!
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' =
So, fearless art achievement... or simply odd?
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dancing Queen is voted as the top song to dance to ever =
Even deposing 'Agadoo'? Never! I'd contest that conquest!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Gary Larson's "The Far Side" cartoon =
Hooray for its strange calendars!
George Missailidis with:
Frédéric Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu =
I preordain optimum effects in C Sharp.
Meyran Kraus with:
Salvador Dali's 'The Persistence of Memory' =
So, fearless art achievement... or simply odd?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Out of Many, One by George W Bush =
So go buy enough of new art by Me!
Murray Cameron with:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show =
Kitschy Hero/Whore/Corruptor
Rick Rothstein with:
Ache's deathly sobering in ~
the song "Chandelier" by Sia.
Rick Rothstein with:
The giant hit song "Chandelier" by the singer Sia =
She has neat lyrics on getting inebriated (high).
Tom Myers with:
Salvator Mundi (Leonardo da Vinci) =
Our divine Lord laid on canvas mat.
Tony Crafter with:
Dancing Queen is voted as the top song to dance to ever =
Even deposing 'Agadoo'? Never! I'd contest that conquest!
View with:
'Unsolved Mysteries' =
Very solemn studies.
View with:
"I never promised you a rose garden" =
Very dangerous idea or premise, no?
1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Practice social distancing = Spacing noticed as critical.
2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson =
Outwit a Tory minister for an A-Level and GCSE fiasco.
3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Mandatory mask zones =
Zoos and many markets.
David Bourke with:
Silly snooker news:~
Kyren Wilson loses!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Trump on Covid's death toll: 'It is what it is' =
Tip: Vote him out, that old wild narcissist!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Sarah Palin offers advice to Kamala Harris =
Airhead from afar, as also-ran: "Have lipstick!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Biden campaign's 'Build Back Better' slogan ~
might be like blind grabs at a UN-based concept.
George Missailidis with:
The Capital of Lebanon, Beirut =
A flat to be rebuilt in an epoch.
Maurice Goddard with:
Donald John Trump is "A Very Stable Genius" ~
and repulsive loony mad brat just neighs!
Meyran Kraus with:
Robert Trump has died =
Trump brother is dead.
Meyran Kraus with:
If the President doesn't win the election again ~
he'd tweet "CHEAP LIE! IT IS NOT FINE!!" and not resign.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Capital of Lebanon is Beirut =
It is a place in a ton of rubble.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson =
Outwit a Tory minister for an A-Level and GCSE fiasco
Murray Cameron with:
Opposition leader, Simon Bridges =
A dope is in top role. Dimbo resigns.
Murray Cameron with:
A Very Stable Genius =
Gee... Sly Abrasive Nut.
Rick Rothstein with:
Practice social distancing = Spacing noticed as critical.
Rosie Perera with:
The "Freedom To Breathe Agency" =
Try the MAGA defence there? Boo!
Rosie Perera with:
Biden-Haris Twenty-Twenty =
We end whitest tyranny bit.
Rosie Perera with:
Build Back Better - Joe Biden's campaign slogan =
I be up getting Black American dads noble jobs.
Rosie Perera with:
Mandatory mask zones =
Zoos and many markets.
Tom Myers with:
Lord and Taylor =
Dry, not a dollar.
Tom Myers with:
Simon Cowell broke his back =
Brook will mock his absence.
Tom Myers with:
Almost anything can become weaponized =
China: so we made zoo bat plenty menacing!
Tony Crafter with:
The British Broadcasting Corporation =
Bird-brain cohorts hate patriotic song.
View with:
The asymptomatic coronavirus =
Variations may occur. Stop them!
View with:
Deadly storm Laura =
A lady? Murders a lot!
1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Bard, William Shakespeare =
What likeable phrases I dream!
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Ronald Antonio "The Rocket" O'Sullivan =
One snooker titan no rival could halt.
3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Michael Studdert =
A child trusted me!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Michael Studdert =
A child trusted me!
David Bourke with:
Kyle Howard Rittenhouse =
Youth ranked "white loser".
David Bourke with:
The model Nicole Mary Poturalski =
Ooh! Real lucky old man, I see, Mr. Pitt!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Steve Bannon, former White House Chief Strategist =
The news is about arrest on thieving scheme effort.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Vice President Michael Pence =
Deep malice, even sphincteric.
George Missailidis with:
The President of the USA, Donald Trump =
Impudent fraud. Lots hated the person.
Meyran Kraus with:
Ronald Antonio "The Rocket" O'Sullivan =
The rival all cannot outdo in snooker.
Meyran Kraus with:
Ronald Antonio "The Rocket" O'Sullivan =
One snooker titan no rival could halt.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Bard, William Shakespeare =
What likeable phrases I dream!
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Bard of Avon, William Shakespeare =
I speak for a name Brits have hallowed.
Murray Cameron with:
Simon Bridges =
Dimbo resigns
Paul Pan with:
President Jair Bolsonaro =
A pretend lion's job is "roar!"
Tom Myers with:
Liberal PM Scott Morrison ~
to sort criminal problems.
Tony Crafter with:
"King Arthur's trusty knight is me, Sir Lancelot du Lac ~
I run sticks clear through tyrants' guts and I kill 'em!"
View with:
The late Chadwick Boseman ~
who had talent became sick.
1st - Phil Carmody with:
Doing KFC religion =
Finger lickin' good.
2nd - George Missailidis with:
Australian Desert =
Its land a treasure.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Stella McCartney's 'Eau de Parfum Spray For Women' =
Trade from successful new aroma may reap plenty!
Dharam Khalsa with:
International Renewable Energy Agency =
On nearly clean engineering, a better way.
George Missailidis with:
Australian Desert =
Its land a treasure.
Maurice Goddard with:
The British Broadcasting Corporation
=
Bright to act to
Brainier, and Oh! So
Crisp!
Meyran Kraus with:
Washington, District of Columbia =
It's a good bunch of criminal twits.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Washington, District of Columbia =
Circus town that big mad fool is in.
Murray Cameron with:
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms =
Clear-out of a combat rifle and hooch abuser
Rick Rothstein with:
The Land of Shangri-La =
A dash of "enthralling".
Rosie Perera with:
The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota =
Hey, corona tourism! Trust all got deathly sick.
Rosie Perera with:
The American Association of Suicidology =
I may aid a cute so-so actor in choosing life.
Tom Myers with:
Forks Washington =
Work hosting fans.
Tom Myers with:
Florence, Tuscany, Italy =
Once fancy, lately I rust.
Tom Myers with:
The Land of Shangri-La =
Range of hills at hand.
Tony Crafter with:
Stella McCartney's 'Eau de Parfum Spray For Women' =
Trade from successful new aroma may reap plenty!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Eight different ways to play with words:
1. Palindrome
2. Rhyme
3. Portmanteau
4. Alliteration
5. Spoonerism
6. Pun
7. Acrostic
8. Anagram
=
1. "War - still, it's raw."
2. "One Marathon Won"
3. "Reaganomics"
4. "Deep Dilemma"
5. "Prying Fan"
6. "Lif is too short"
7. (Apparent)
8. (You pretty much read it)
2nd - David Bourke with:
The five senses of humans:
1 Touch
2 Sight
3 Hearing
4 Smell
5 Taste
=
1 Have a hug!
2 See the light!
3 Listen!
4 Sniff scents!
5 Eat mushrooms!
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Famous Picasso paintings:
1. The Old Guitarist
2. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon
3. Girl Before a Mirror
4. Guernica
5. The Weeping Woman
=
1. Struggling musician
2. Agile brothel women
3. Posed reflection upon glass
4. Air raid in Spanish seige
5. Emotive mood after war
Christopher Sturdy with:
Father dies rescuing his children from sea on Welsh coast
=
Tragic case cost hero life. Rushes in and he himself drowns.
Christopher Sturdy with:
O'Sullivan wins in record time on day four of the World Snooker Championship at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield
=
Poor old Thepchaiya Un-Nooh suffered. Terrorised in mismatch, he couldn't live with Ronnie's skill...
To be fair, few can!
David Bourke with:
The secret hideaway of the late financier Jeffrey Epstein, on Little Saint James, the U.S. Virgin Islands
=
Juvenile girls file in it daily...can these satiate the teen fetish of Her Majesty's fat son Prince Andrew?
David Bourke with:
Stephen Kevin Bannon, the former White House Chief Strategist and Counselor to the President
=
Clean? No, on the take! He siphoned off his cut. Better ensure we send the vermin straight to prison!
David Bourke with:
Manchester United and England centre-back Harry Maguire
=
"Hard man?" The bad-mannered cunt is currently in a Greek cage!
David Bourke with:
The Education Secretary Gavin Alexander Williamson MP
=
Anger in an idiotic A-Level exam result spread on my watch.
David Bourke with:
The five senses of humans:
1 Touch
2 Sight
3 Hearing
4 Smell
5 Taste
=
1 Have a hug!
2 See the light!
3 Listen!
4 Sniff scents!
5 Eat mushrooms!
Dharam Khalsa with:
All-Time Greatest Martial Arts Actors:
1. Bruce Lee
2. Jackie Chan
3. Jet Li
4. Donnie Yen
5. Jason Statham
6. Tony Jaa
7. Michelle Yeoh
=
Jeer or enjoy:
1. Lethal menace
2. Athletic hijinks
3. Able hero
4. Stuntman
5. Collateral damage
6. Easy action
7. Artistic majesty
Dharam Khalsa with:
Famous Picasso paintings:
1. The Old Guitarist
2. Les Demoiselles d'Avignon
3. Girl Before a Mirror
4. Guernica
5. The Weeping Woman
=
1. Struggling musician
2. Agile brothel women
3. Posed reflection upon glass
4. Air raid in Spanish seige
5. Emotive mood after war
Dharam Khalsa with:
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (village in Wales)
=
Why? Groggy nonlocals will very well fall rolling, when giggling at a poly-syllabic word!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Five American women who fought for the vote:
1. Susan B Anthony
2. Alice Paul
3. Elizabeth Cady Stanton
4. Lucy Stone
5. Ida B Wells
=
1. Helped affect US voting balance
2. Why we have the ERA
3. Humanized women of color
4. Busy abolitionist
5. Analyst/consultant
George Missailidis with:
Donald Trump escorted from briefing room after person shot outside White House
=
Profuse reporters go confront him about it, showed he'd inform us: "Do I seem rattled?"
George Missailidis with:
The First Lady of the United States of America, Melania Trump
=
"I am married to the rudest type of man...it affects all in the USA!"
George Missailidis with:
Five Influential Ancient Greek Philosophers:
1. Socrates
2. Aristotle
3. Plato
4. Thales
5. Epicurus
=
Areas of Principle to Like the Intellectuals for:
1. Ethics
2. Virtues
3. Nature
4. A Logos
5. Happiness
Maurice Goddard with:
Senator Joseph Robinette Biden and Senator Kamala Devi Harris
=
Voters thank a major President-to-be and a heroine's ideal brains!
Maurice Goddard with:
Honestly, is the United States President Donald Trump really a "stable genius"?
=
Intelligent talent? *Nay*!!! Pretty heated dull dumb ass spits rude *hoarse* noises!
Maurice Goddard with:
Republicans nominate Trump for re-election on first day of convention
=
Nepotist! Con-fiend! Cretin! Villain!
Four more years on of Trump *CANNOT BE*!
Maurice Goddard with:
1: Donald John Trump
2: Michael Richard Pence
3: Joseph Robinette Biden
4: Kamala Devi Harris
=
1: Head pain in the neck!
2: Drab jobholder
3: Presidential virtue led
4: Major Champion charms!
Meyran Kraus with:
Eight different ways to play with words:
1. Palindrome
2. Rhyme
3. Portmanteau
4. Alliteration
5. Spoonerism
6. Pun
7. Acrostic
8. Anagram
=
1. "War - still, it's raw."
2. "One Marathon Won"
3. "Reaganomics"
4. "Deep Dilemma"
5. "Prying Fan"
6. "Lif is too short"
7. (Apparent)
8. (You pretty much read it)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The results of the Best Ever James Bond poll:
1. Sean Connery
2. Timothy Dalton
3. Pierce Brosnan
=
1. The Scot's in Thunderball
2. More reserved, plans no time for jests
3. Cannot one be the playboy?
Murray Cameron with:
Celebrity plastic surgeons, Doctors Paul Nassif and Terry Dubrow
=
We reconstruct arty girl's bad nose and ridiculous floppy breasts.
Murray Cameron with:
NASA predicts that a man-sized asteroid is nearing Earth
=
Racist President states the origin 'an Asian-made hazard'.
Paul Pan with:
KFC suspends its 'finger lickin' good' slogan because of coronavirus
=
Buffoon can suck digits, gulp fried legs - soon one sick-ass carnivore!
Rick Rothstein with:
Honestly, is the United States President Donald Trump really a "stable genius"?
~
It's true, but add he's pretty dull, inept and seems only as intelligent as a horse.
Rosie Perera with:
Nobody's been tougher on Russia than I have (D. Trump)
=
So, as to my run, have urged Putin to be harsh on Biden.
Tom Myers with:
Michelle Obama versus U.S.A. President Donald Trump.
=
Old Republican's a dupe. Removal's a must. End his term
Tony Crafter with:
1. Agnetha Fältskog
2. Benny Andersson
3. BjÖrn Ulvaeus
4. Anni-Frid Lyngstad=
ABBA:
1. She's fragrant and stunning!
2. Fat one
3. Skinny (and older)
4. Lovely jugs!
View with:
'Wicked and inhuman' Brenton Tarrant sentenced to life without parole
=
To us: another antipathetic fellow, an indecent bandit, known murderer
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"Then, if I feel enough people need me to go, I got one option: Just mess with the US Post Office, take all the mail so I handle the ballot pile, and choose myself!" -- Trump
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,
which is just long enough to be President of the United States." - Spike Milligan
=
Opinion
The hopeful fools seem to campaign,
Do little, enjoy some elegant champagne;
But, then the loosest puffed-up lies
Will take the foolish to their demise.
3rd - Maurice Goddard with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,
which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
Joe: "I chose tough Kamala to help
Oust mega idiot Trump! The GOP
Elephant flop! Filthiest loose
Bum seen
In office! I'll
Defeat him to
End woe! Hell's petty
Nonsense!"
Christopher Sturdy with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"To uphold the law, no one supplied missiles to enemies, in effect letting hostages come home."
A put up job; if he'll openly admit to the lie, Reagan's let off the hook.
David Bourke with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"Gee, so I got to puff pot, some marijuana? So? I like pot. Let me also put in my defence, NOT inhale, though!" the esteemed Bill Clinton (who's off his head!) tells the people.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
Ooh, the phenomenon is so typical
Of all the stuff political!
The people hold a grudge,
Then seem to misjudge;
We eliminate the fine folks most suitable. -- one poet
Dharam Khalsa with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
GW Bush is impelled to tell the truth to uplift the people in Tennessee:
"Fool me once, shame...shame on you. Fool me... can't get fooled again."
Is it his joke? Ha! It flopped.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,
which is just long enough to be President of the United States." - Spike Milligan
=
Opinion
The hopeful fools seem to campaign,
Do little, enjoy some elegant champagne;
But, then the loosest puffed-up lies
Will take the foolish to their demise.
George Missailidis with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"The Dems often jog up the people's logic to benefit these undocumented immigrants -- see, they fail to fool the million fans who oppose!"
Aha! A lie the POTUS'll like... :/
Maurice Goddard with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time,
which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
Joe: "I chose tough Kamala to help
Oust mega idiot Trump! The GOP
Elephant flop! Filthiest loose
Bum seen
In office! I'll
Defeat him to
End woe! Hell's petty
Nonsense!"
Meyran Kraus with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"Then, if I feel enough people need me to go, I got one option: Just mess with the US Post Office, take all the mail so I handle the ballot pile, and choose myself!" -- Trump
Meyran Kraus with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
The Top Sickest Lies of Trump:
* Obama is some illegal alien
* Putin helped no election
* He met no hot adult-film honey
* He's good at golf
* The toupee
* "Who's Jeff Epstein?"
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"To feel gleeful in the fight to help to elect such a noisome poop, Me, I tell the filthiest of lies to sheep: Obama got spawned in some house in Kenya" -- Donald J. Trump
Rosie Perera with:
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States (Spike Milligan)
=
A tepid epitaph: "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." That's not George Bush's telling of it all. He often slipped up, just like the entitled fool he is.
Rosie Perera with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"Effete Joe Biden chose petite Phony Kamala to go with him, as she's all he could get. A felon, he's flopping in the polls. Die, fools! Time to let me unite us to one." -- Trump
Tony Crafter with:
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States." -- Spike Milligan
=
"Gee, I feel (I hope) we all like the esteemed Boris Johnson. Fundamentally, though, he's pompous, incompetent, egotistical and full of shit.The total opposite of me!"
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
THE MOST LUDICROUS MISHEARD LYRICS EVER!
"The girl with colitis goes by" [Interesting but wrong - The Beatles sang "kaleidoscope eyes" in 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds']
"Take your pants off and make it better" [Ewww... absolutely wrong again, it's "Take a bad song" from the Beatles' 'Hey Jude', you insane freak!!]
"We built this city on sausage rolls" [A neat but unwise idea - Starship sang "We Built This City' (on rock 'n' roll)"]
"I remove umbilicals" [Well, thankfully not quite as eerie - Hot Chocolate sang "I believe in miracles" in 'You Sexy Thing']
"Like a virgin touched for the thirty-first time" [Bad hearing *and* logic - Madonna really sang "for the very first time"]
"Hold me closer, Tony Danza" [A sweet sentiment, except Elton John sang 'Tiny Dancer' (whatever *that* means)]
=
"Giddy fish have got no river" [Cute, but this is "Guilty feet have got no rhythm" from Wham's 'Careless Whisper']
"I just wanna extradite your kids" [This is a troubling take on Prince's "(I just want your extra time and your) Kiss"]
"Own a single lettuce! Own a single lettuce!" [Cool, but Beyonce sang '(All the) Single Ladies']
"Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong" [No, this is Abba's 'Chiquitita']
"Let's pee on the Colonel" [No, this is "That's me in the corner" from 'Losing My Religion' by R.E.M.]
"Steak and a knife! Steak and a knife!" [No, the Bee Gees lyrics are actually 'Stayin' Alive']
"The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind" [Nice, but Bob Dylan sang "The answer, my friend..."]
"Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove" [Amazingly close - Robert Palmer is 'Addicted To Love'!]
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
NO PRESENT LIKE THE TIME
On seeing a lovely gold watch, set on a velvet cushion with a gold chain around it, as the centrepiece of a window display, Ross immediately decided it would make an amazing present for his wife Anne's fiftieth birthday.
I'd like to buy that watch in the window," Ross told the shopkeeper.
"It's not for sale," came the reply.
"Please," begged Ross, it's the perfect gift for my missus!"
In order to curtail any further pleas for him to sell the watch, the shopkeeper said, "Look, mate, I don't sell watches, I castrate tomcats."
"Huh? So... why is there a watch being displayed in the window?"
"Erm... what would you have me display then?" replied the shopkeeper.
=
FELINE FINE
The music professor entered the spinster's home to hear the honeylike strains of classical music being delicately performed on the piano.
However, he got the shock of his life when he walked into the drawing room and saw a large black cat propped up at the keyboard, playing sweetly.
"Meet Willy Whisker; he taught himself to play, unaided!" claimed Miss Tweedy proudly.
"Wow! That is astounding!" said the professor.
"He composed that particular piece himself, too. It is entitled: 'Pretty Kitty'," she said.
"Wow, it's amazing!" marvelled the professor. "Will you have it orchestrated?"
With that, the cat dived out the window and has not been seen since.
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A couple of jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, "We'd like a couple of ales, please."
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything in here!"
=
A bushel of corn goes to the city pub.
An affable wine server enters, "You want me to tell you a joke?"
The bushel speaks properly and indicates, "Lad, I am all ears!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
A couple of jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, "We'd like a couple of ales, please."
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything in here!"
=
A bushel of corn goes to the city pub.
An affable wine server enters, "You want me to tell you a joke?"
The bushel speaks properly and indicates, "Lad, I am all ears!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
A couple of jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, "We'd like a couple of ales, please."
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything in here!"
Related fonts face humiliation at a bar
when a voice booms out the short rebuke,
"Listen, go home! We don't serve your type!"
A Frenchman walks into the bar with his parrot riding on his shoulder.
The parrot is wearing a baseball cap.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's so cool! Where did you find that?"
The parrot says, "France -- they've got millions of them there."
~
A bushel of corn goes to the city pub.
An affable wine server enters, "You want me to tell you a joke?"
The bushel speaks properly and indicates, "Lad, I am all ears!"
The amnesiac walks into the bar. He goes up to a very
beautiful blonde woman to try this overture,
"So, do I come here often?"
Two inebriated wartime pals are chugging beer at a pub; that's their habit.
Harry steps away from the stool, falls, ricochets, and lands on his chin on the floor.
The friend retorts, "Oh, I've always admired Harry -- he knows when to stop."
George Missailidis with:
I AM tanya (23) live in your street.
looking for a sex partner in the neighbourhood.
Therefor Ive a picture http://gg.gg/eamfi
Join and search me < tanya142 >
you also got my contact number there if you wanna give me a call.
I guess if your attracted to me
=
Next time, I gotta arrange a friend to come chase you and force
eighty-five emails, directing you right over into my personal favourite link
http://RottenCharlatan2GetOutOfMyWay/1234, up your huge barbarian hole.
Message me again. Just once.
Maurice Goddard with:
***** A Cornish Litany *****
From ghoulies and ghosties,
And long-leggetty beasties,
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
=
***** Beg to God *****
From the Donald's bullying,
Gluttony, shit, pretense, gloating,
To high lies, unhinged trash, and to his sin,
God save America!
Maurice Goddard with:
"Of all the things you choose in life, you don't get to choose what your nightmares are.
You don't pick them; they pick you." - John Irving
=
Worst one for the many;
Yucky phony jerk Trump!
The shouting con idiot!
Egoistic heinous idiot!
Haughty loony face!
He'll have to *GO*!
Meyran Kraus with:
THE MOST LUDICROUS MISHEARD LYRICS EVER!
"The girl with colitis goes by" [Interesting but wrong - The Beatles sang "kaleidoscope eyes" in 'Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds']
"Take your pants off and make it better" [Ewww... absolutely wrong again, it's "Take a bad song" from the Beatles' 'Hey Jude', you insane freak!!]
"We built this city on sausage rolls" [A neat but unwise idea - Starship sang "We Built This City' (on rock 'n' roll)"]
"I remove umbilicals" [Well, thankfully not quite as eerie - Hot Chocolate sang "I believe in miracles" in 'You Sexy Thing']
"Like a virgin touched for the thirty-first time" [Bad hearing *and* logic - Madonna really sang "for the very first time"]
"Hold me closer, Tony Danza" [A sweet sentiment, except Elton John sang 'Tiny Dancer' (whatever *that* means)]
=
"Giddy fish have got no river" [Cute, but this is "Guilty feet have got no rhythm" from Wham's 'Careless Whisper']
"I just wanna extradite your kids" [This is a troubling take on Prince's "(I just want your extra time and your) Kiss"]
"Own a single lettuce! Own a single lettuce!" [Cool, but Beyonce sang '(All the) Single Ladies']
"Take your teeth out, tell me what's wrong" [No, this is Abba's 'Chiquitita']
"Let's pee on the Colonel" [No, this is "That's me in the corner" from 'Losing My Religion' by R.E.M.]
"Steak and a knife! Steak and a knife!" [No, the Bee Gees lyrics are actually 'Stayin' Alive']
"The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind" [Nice, but Bob Dylan sang "The answer, my friend..."]
"Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove" [Amazingly close - Robert Palmer is 'Addicted To Love'!]
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A summary of the last five American presidents:
1. George Herbert Walker Bush
2. William Jefferson Clinton
3. George Walker Bush
4. Barack Hussein Obama
5. Donald John Trump
=
1. No Jack Kennedy either!
2. Would get blow jobs from Monica's lips
3. Aggressive in the Gulf areas
4. Man who had a parent from Africa
5. Smearer, a berserk unhumble bullshitter
Rosie Perera with:
Retired Army Brigadier General Anthony Tata has been designated as "the official Performing the Duties of the Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Policy reporting to the Acting Undersecretary of Defense for Policy Dr. James Anderson."
=
The longest title of a military officer anyone has heard so far! Can you repeat it correctly in under one year? Gross grouser Trump befriended, appointed, and defended him, disregarding fact that Senate's rejected the iffy grey person before.
Rosie Perera with:
Legal scholars from both parties, and nonpartisan experts, acknowledge that there is no widespread fraud in US elections
=
Trump is spreading toxic lies in order to confuse the electorate, prod and harass Biden. What a strange snowflake! He'll snap.
Tony Crafter with:
NO PRESENT LIKE THE TIME
On seeing a lovely gold watch, set on a velvet cushion with a gold chain around it, as the centrepiece of a window display, Ross immediately decided it would make an amazing present for his wife Anne's fiftieth birthday.
I'd like to buy that watch in the window," Ross told the shopkeeper.
"It's not for sale," came the reply.
"Please," begged Ross, it's the perfect gift for my missus!"
In order to curtail any further pleas for him to sell the watch, the shopkeeper said, "Look, mate, I don't sell watches, I castrate tomcats."
"Huh? So... why is there a watch being displayed in the window?"
"Erm... what would you have me display then?" replied the shopkeeper.
=
FELINE FINE
The music professor entered the spinster's home to hear the honeylike strains of classical music being delicately performed on the piano.
However, he got the shock of his life when he walked into the drawing room and saw a large black cat propped up at the keyboard, playing sweetly.
"Meet Willy Whisker; he taught himself to play, unaided!" claimed Miss Tweedy proudly.
"Wow! That is astounding!" said the professor.
"He composed that particular piece himself, too. It is entitled: 'Pretty Kitty'," she said.
"Wow, it's amazing!" marvelled the professor. "Will you have it orchestrated?"
With that, the cat dived out the window and has not been seen since.
1st - George Missailidis with:
William Shakespeare's Sonnet CXLIV
Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman coloured ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil,
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turned fiend,
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.
=
Merely Trembling If Impurity Kills Off Unity
Corona'll this time bring the globe to start
On what implies when all try to survive.
Now people take these grim events to heart;
Though demons, underneath, have come alive.
Already do we underdo hangouts;
Masks be devoted to eschewing germs:
It's to direct ideally microbes out.
Now - don't we find - how cruelty brightly burns
Away ideas that aid by lifting others?
This sadism is ending euphony.
In time, we'd force the pommel of Corona
On people in exile from family.
Now though we'll still be full-metre apart,
Still, let's be inimitable at heart.
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Matchmaker, matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch
Matchmaker, matchmaker
Look through your book,
And make me a perfect match
Oh, matchmaker, matchmaker,
I'll bring the veil,
You bring the groom,
Slender and pale.
Bring me a ring for I'm longing to be,
The envy of all I see.
For Papa,
Make him a scholar.
For mama,
Make him rich as a king.
For me, no,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as handsome as anything.
Matchmaker, matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch,
Night after night in the dark I'm alone
So make me a match,
Of my own.
For Papa,
Make him a scholar.
For mama,
Make him rich as a king.
For me, no,
I wouldn't holler
If he were as handsome as anything.
Matchmaker, matchmaker,
Make me a match,
Find me a find,
Catch me a catch,
Night after night in the dark I'm alone
So find me a find
Catch me a catch
Make me a match,
Of my own, of my own,
Of my own, of my own.
=
Mask maker, mask maker,
Make me a mask,
I find I'm confined,
I'll task you the task.
Mask maker, mask maker,
Turn the machine on high,
Then make me a healthy mask.
Oh, Mask maker, mask maker,
I'll fetch all the fabric,
If you have matching thread.
If I can't find elastic,
I can hand-crochet a chain for you to attach,
A change from an ear-chafing batch!
For Mama (French woman),
Make them floral.
For Papa (macho man),
Camouflage or formal.
For me, blah,
Drab, not theatrical;
Make mine practical.
For my German Grandpa,
Make them lightweight
For Grandma Hannah,
Machine-monogram them "HMM", not too ornate.
For me, a dilemma:
Remember, make mine sedate.
I hope the machine might accommodate!
Oh, Mask maker, mask maker,
I find I'm confined,
While I watch my watch;
Why cry each night at home?
When a common cloth face cover
Might hide the haggard face
Of my own,
Of my own.
(Comment: Damn pandemic!)
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
I'm Just Wild About Harry
By
Judy Garland
I am here to state
I'm here to relate
To explain
And make it plain that:
I`m just wild about Harry
And Harry's wild about me
The heavenly blisses of his
Kisses fill me with ecstasy
He's sweet just like sugar candy
And just like honey from a bee
Oh, I`m just wild about Harry
And he's just wild about
He can't do without
He's just wild about me
Oh I`m just wild about Mandy
And Mandy's wild about me
Oh, I`m just wild about Harry
And Harry's wild about me
The heavenly blisses of his kisses
Fill me with ecstasy
He's sweet just like sugar candy
And just like honey from a bee
Oh, I`m just wild about Harry
And he's just wild about me
=
I'm Just Wild About Harry
By
Her Majesty
As head of state
I'm sad to relate
That I'm annoyed
About a boy! Grr!
I'm just wild about Harry,
About his need to 'be free',
He wants success with his
New Duchess, now he's spurned his family.
Just why is he stuck in LA,
Immured from the duties that he knows?
That Judas minx has got her way,
I'm just wild about,
I can do without,
My jumbled family.
I'm already wild about Andie,
He's just a juvenile joke
But I'm wilder about Harry,
He's ended up dismally 'woke'.
This genial boy has lost all his joy,
It's very sad to see,
He's unmistakably stranded
In la-la-land, jobless but 'free' (what junk!),
Well, I am wild about Harry
He's still just a kid to me.
Maurice Goddard with:
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be thy Name,
thy kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever. Amen.
=
Now on knees we plead,
At a time of desperate need.
O! Almighty God on High,
From Coronavirus myriads die.
Save us Lord! It's hard to bear!
Lord above, hear our prayer.
The virus now, that unseen blight,
Besets mankind day and night.
We weep. O! In the suffering!
The virus fate. A woeful thing!
In lost lives, the enormity,
Hitherto vast, and so heavy.
Save us Lord. Amen
Meyran Kraus with:
DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN?
(From the 2013 film 'Frozen')
[5-Year-Old Anna:] Elsa?
Do you want to build a snowman?
Come on, let's go and play!
I never see you anymore.
Come out the door,
It's like you've gone away.
We used to be best buddies,
And now we're not.
I wish you would tell me why!
Do you want to build a snowman?
It doesn't have to be a snowman...
[Elsa:] Go away, Anna.
[Anna:] OK, bye.
[4 Years Later]
[Anna:] Do you want to build a snowman?
Or ride our bike around the halls?
I think some company is overdue.
I've started talking to
The pictures on the walls!
It gets a little lonely,
All these empty rooms,
Just watching the hours tick by...
[6 Years Later]
[Anna:] Elsa?
Please, I know you're in there.
People are asking where you've been.
They say "have courage" and I'm trying to,
I'm right out here for you.
Just let me in.
We only have each other,
It's just you and me.
What are we gonna do?...
Do you want to build a snowman?
=
DO YOU WANNA BE A VILLAIN?
[The world in 2016:] America?
Do you wanna be a villain?
Just saw your 45.
We know you had it tough and all,
But why install
The dumbest man alive?
You always seemed amazing,
And now you're not.
It's time to be more mature...
Do you wanna be the villain?
Cos you don't have to play the villain.
[America:] OUR AMERICA FIRST!!!
[The world:] ...OK, sure. :/
[3 Years Later]
[The world:] Do you wanna be a jerk now?
Cos you seem too keen to appall.
Your president detains some bony tots,
Then hatches foreign plots -
Yet you don't care at all.
We met our share of tyrants,
And you have one now;
Yes, soon it'll be too late...
[One Year Later]
[The world:] America?
Do you even listen?
We just thought that we should ask.
You know we're being plagued by something new,
Yet it seems none of you
Are wearing masks.
Mankind is now in danger
And must be as one.
Now is the time to help...
Do you wanna be the good guy?
Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet Thirty by William Shakespeare
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanished sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.
=
The Lads
They brought my old yearbook to me yesterday,
The couple with kids who keep visiting here.
I leafed through this thing after they went away,
And felt a few faces were sweet souvenirs:
Here's Vince, who once fell off a fence on his buns,
And Finn, who won six games of pool in a row,
And Doug, whose impressions were second to none,
And Alf, who loved signing his name in the snow.
And as I stand up on this white and clean floor,
And as I stare at the anemic green walls,
And as my mind turns to those friends I adore,
I ponder the strangest enigma of all:
I remember their voices and names to a tee -
But I can't recall which of these people is me.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
There once was a man from Peru,
Who dreamt that he swallowed his shoe,
He woke up in a fright,
In the mid of the night,
To learn that his dream had come true!~
He had pain in the gut and it grew
We rushed him at once to a loo
Where, thankful, he sat
To form mammoth fresh scat
With deer leather he warmed in his poo!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Man: "We mated for two intense hours!" =
Woman: "He snored after two minutes."
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Liam Neeson - one of the 'most hung' actors in Hollywood =
Oh my, the action fellow has one monstrous dong! No lie.
3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
I fart in your general direction =
I cite an unreal, terrifying odor.
Christopher Sturdy with:
The bad first impression =
Fart, piss or shit in me bed!
George Missailidis with:
A scorching fart =
Crashing factor.
Maurice Goddard with:
Dirty old women ~
wilted on my rod!
Meyran Kraus with:
Huge breast implants =
These giant bra-lumps!
Murray Cameron with:
Can't aim my penis =
I came in my pants
Murray Cameron with:
Cunt's grime =
Minge crust.
Paul Pan with:
Massage parlor =
real orgasm spa.
Rick Rothstein with:
Breast reduction =
It retards bounce.
Rick Rothstein with:
I fart in your general direction =
I cite an unreal, terrifying odor.
Tom Myers with:
Anal probing ‡
A boring plan.
Tom Myers with:
The innkeeper's daughter =
I peg her near the desk, nut
Tony Crafter with:
Liam Neeson - one of the 'most hung' actors in Hollywood =
Oh my, the action fellow has one monstrous dong! No lie.