1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
Self-satisfaction =
Life's so fantastic!
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Listening to a cello =
Gentle oscillation.
3rd - Rosie Perera with:
A thousand monkeys randomly striking a typewriter =
Tiny drunk apes hit on keys to write anagrams. My Lord!
Adrian Hickford with:
At a piano recital =
Italian opera act.
Adrian Hickford with:
Listening to a cello =
Gentle oscillation.
Brian Taylor with:
The strangler =
Real strength.
Brian Taylor with:
Science vs Art =
Sincere vs Act.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Self-satisfaction =
Life's so fantastic!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Gothic architecture =
A church I erect got it.
Christopher Sturdy with:
What do you call a man with feline damages? =
Why, that fellow, an amigo I'd name as Claude.
David Bourke with:
Laughing all the way to the bank =
Wallet getting bulky, no? Ha ha ha!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Men agree, "It is what it is". Why? =
I'm wishing it were that easy!
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Laughing all the way to the bank" =
Lengthy howl taken at a big haul.
Ellie Dent with:
The happiest slimmer =
Time helps trim shape. :)
George Missailidis with:
There is a beauty in mathematics =
"I'm a number? Yea, that is aesthetic!"
George Missailidis with:
A dozen questions =
A quiz does tonnes!
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A thousand monkeys randomly striking a typewriter =
Army, in stunt, work madly in trying to do Shakespeare
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Charismatic preacher =
I'm rich cash-reaper act
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Criminal justice =
Men's jail circuit?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A remedy for intestinal discomforts =
To fart is medicine for many oldsters
Rosie Perera with:
A thousand monkeys randomly striking a typewriter =
Tiny drunk apes hit on keys to write anagrams. My Lord!
Tom Myers with:
a study of prime numbers =
beauty from super minds
Tom Myers with:
Not prime, thus become ~
the composite number.
Tom Myers with:
Sent off to purgatory. =
No party -- got to suffer!
Tom Myers with:
Rome's Vatican City =
Monastic veracity
Tom Myers with:
This cleanses colon out: ~
consistent alcohol use.
Tom Myers with:
Global pandemic =
A compelling bad
Tony Crafter with:
A curry and carrots pie is, I feel ~
a recipe for culinary disaster.
View with:
Waiting for Armageddon =
Giant war, grief and doom!
1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
The Acadamy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. =
Brad Pitt secured an Oscar with a gem of a portrayal, no?
2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens =
Villains' tricks screwed the boy.
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
'Water Lilies, the Nymphéas' by Claude Monet =
Mellow, limpid beauty enchants eyes, heart.
Christopher Sturdy with:
The Acadamy Award for Best Actor in a Supporting Role. =
Brad Pitt secured an Oscar with a gem of a portrayal, no?
Dharam Khalsa with:
The song "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" =
Cited approach I use to fix illogical issues (grin).
Dharam Khalsa with:
Everly Brothers song "All I Have To Do Is Dream" =
Stress overload? Behold the imaginary lover!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Joe Cocker song "With A Little Help From My Friends" =
Freestyle performing in the chill Woodstock jam.
Ellie Dent with:
'Water Lilies, the Nymphéas' by Claude Monet =
Mellow, limpid beauty enchants eyes, heart.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens =
Villains' tricks screwed the boy
Tom Myers with:
Manet's 'A Bar at The Folies-Bergère' =
Art boasting a female; there's beer.
Tony Crafter with:
The Shangri-Las - 'Leader of the Pack' =
This death knell of a greaser chap.
View with:
South Korean comedy thriller "Parasite" =
Earlier hunt Palme d'Or - key to hit Oscars
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of assault and rape =
A fiend used his status to prey on any naive girl. Awful.
2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Bernie Sanders wins Nevada =
Banners waved in readiness.
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Global virus outbreak =
Vigorous, brutal, bleak.
Adie Pena with:
Donald Trump, the United States of America President =
Did petulant tirades set him up for a neat second term?
Adie Pena with:
President Trump to be questionably acquitted ~
in destructible "quid pro quo" attempt by Senate.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Unleashing Britain's Potential =
Ranting, I lie as I put NHS on table.
David Bourke with:
Phillip Schofield comes out as gay =
A slightly-camp poof? He's delicious!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Palindrome Day 2020 =
Rapidly made on 02/02.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Bernie Sanders wins Nevada =
Banners waved in readiness.
Ellie Dent with:
Storm Ciara hits UK =
Oh, traumatic risks!
Ellie Dent with:
Global virus outbreak =
Vigorous, brutal, bleak.
John Murray with:
Caroline Flack =
A force can kill
Meyran Kraus with:
US Senate impeachment trial proceedings =
Epic sham meant to clear "genius" president.
Meyran Kraus with:
Dem. Bernie Sanders =
Render Biden a mess.
Meyran Kraus with:
Biden enterprise ‡
President Bernie.
Meyran Kraus with:
American movie producer Harvey Weinstein =
"I don't 'rape', I'm rich! I can use every woman ever!"
Meyran Kraus with:
OK, I do, I only vote for Trump... =
Look, I'm not very proud of it.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Iowa caucuses =
We sue chaotic USA?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Sinn Fein leader Mary Lou McDonald ~
shall yet endure in command of Ireland?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The threat of a global pandemic =
Alleged to beat path from China
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Boris Johnson's long-awaited Cabinet reshuffle =
Faithful stooges land in new jobs. Is each reborn?
Phil Carmody with:
Michael Rubens Bloomberg's ~
clamoring "he's some blubber"
Rosie Perera with:
Captain has required us in ~
a quarantined cruise ship.
Tom Myers with:
USA's top spy Richard Grenell =
POTUS clearly pressing hard
Tom Myers with:
Read banner in news; advises ~
Bernie Sanders wins Nevada
Tom Myers with:
Blizzard warnings issued for N.E. ‡
I foresaw sizzling and red burns
Tony Crafter with:
Harvey Weinstein is found guilty of assault and rape =
A fiend used his status to prey on any naive girl. Awful.
Tyler Severance with:
Super Bowl commercial ads =
Some absurd crap will come.
View with:
The deadly coronavirus =
Hard days. No cure to live.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Harry and wife Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex =
Ex-HRHs say: "Sod the UK. We're chasing due fame and funds."
2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Should long mature heir apparent get British Crown?
3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
Mayor Pete Buttigieg =
I eye gig to beat Trump.
Christopher Sturdy with:
The Right Honourable Rishi Sunak MP =
I'm a horrible nut so high up the ranks
Christopher Sturdy with:
The 'anti-Greta', Naomi Seibt =
Testing, I abominate Earth.
Ellie Dent with:
Rishi Sunak =
Sir is a hunk!
Ellie Dent with:
Duchess Meghan (Markle) ~ sulked: "Changes harm me!"
George Missailidis with:
Melania Trump is the First Lady of the United States =
I am the missus of a ratty, self-entitled turd. The pain!
Jesse Frankovich with:
Mayor Pete Buttigieg =
I eye gig to beat Trump.
Meyran Kraus with:
Painter Oscar-Claude Monet =
Colors emancipated nature.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor =
Should long mature heir apparent get British Crown?
Tony Crafter with:
Harry and wife Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex =
Ex-HRHs say: "Sod the UK. We're chasing due fame and funds."
View with:
Bachelor contestant Victoria Fuller =
I search for love built on central tact.
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Palindrome Day 2020 =
Rapidly made on 02/02.
2nd - Micah Newman with:
Global Positioning System =
Spying is goal's bottom line.
3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Republic of Ireland =
Pitcher of Dubliner ale?
Adie Pena with:
Mount Rushmore National Memorial, Keystone, SD =
It sure is markedly a monument to also honor men.
Adrian Hickford with:
The Guild of Master Craftsmen ~
crafted something masterful
Christopher Sturdy with:
Anosmia Awareness Day =
And aroma sense is 'away'.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The American Staffordshire Terrier =
Restricted in fear, I hear from haters.
Ellie Dent with:
Wiltshire's Stonehenge Monument =
Men see sun, low...then rising to them.
Meyran Kraus with:
The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention =
Send nurses to recent herd of 'vile Corona' patients.
Micah Newman with:
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor =
Think positive: liberate neurosecretion!
Micah Newman with:
Global Positioning System =
Spying is goal's bottom line.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Victoria and Albert Museum =
Vast home culture Britain made.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Republic of Ireland =
Pitcher of Dubliner ale?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Victoria and Albert Museum =
Best in art, much value to admire.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Boy Scouts of America =
I became out-of-cash story.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Shrove or Pancake Tuesday =
Savoury crepes had no take?
Richard Grantham with:
The Anthropocene =
Enter an epoch hot.
Rosie Perera with:
The Premature Ventricular Contractions =
Event occurs in heart; particular torment.
Tom Myers with:
Coptic Christian =
I pitch narcotics.
Tom Myers with:
Villa Diodati =
I'd avoid it all.
Tom Myers with:
The Porsche Cayenne ‡
Three penny coaches
Tony Crafter with:
Sherwood Forest in Nottinghamshire =
In songs, retreat of R. Hood with his men.
View with:
"Diamond Princess" =
Medics and ... prison
View with:
Ford Ranchero =
Oh, car for nerd!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The three US presidents that were officially impeached (but only by the House):
1. Bill Clinton
2. Andrew Johnson
3. Donald Trump
=
Why:
1. Slipped into Monica
2. Intended to fire the Secretary of War;
3. Nutjob; dumb; ruthless; he bluntly lies... (Oh, and the phonecall.)
2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The contenders for the Labour leadership:
1. Rebecca Long-Bailey
2. Lisa Nandy
3. Keir Starmer
4. Emily Thornberry
=
1. Corbyn acolyte
2. Smart northerner
3. Knighted liberal eerily ahead in polls
4. Fierce Barnsbury homesteader
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The ex-members of female pop group Girls Aloud
1. Cheryl Tweedy
2. Nadine Coyle
3. Kimberley Walsh
4. Sarah Harding
5. Nicola Roberts
=
1. The sexy siren
2. The more powerful singer
3. Chummy Bradford girl made good
4. Party babe; she really likes alcohol!
5. Wan, pale, nice
Christopher Sturdy with:
Boris Johnson confirms high-speed rail link will go ahead (11/02)
=
Failing NHS or HS2 dog? A real joke how rich mis-spend 110billion!
David Bourke with:
The singer Declan Patrick MacManus, OBE (Elvis Costello) =
Bespectacled English rock musician...a malevolent sort!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Life, as George Carlin once mused, "is a series of dogs." =
Me, ignoring decades of serious cases of allergies.
Meyran Kraus with:
The three US presidents that were officially impeached (but only by the House):
1. Bill Clinton
2. Andrew Johnson
3. Donald Trump
=
Why:
1. Slipped into Monica
2. Intended to fire the Secretary of War;
3. Nutjob; dumb; ruthless; he bluntly lies... (Oh, and the phonecall.)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The contenders for the Labour leadership:
1. Rebecca Long-Bailey
2. Lisa Nandy
3. Keir Starmer
4. Emily Thornberry
=
1. Corbyn acolyte
2. Smart northerner
3. Knighted liberal eerily ahead in polls
4. Fierce Barnsbury homesteader
Tony Crafter with:
The ex-members of female pop group Girls Aloud
1. Cheryl Tweedy
2. Nadine Coyle
3. Kimberley Walsh
4. Sarah Harding
5. Nicola Roberts
=
1. The sexy siren
2. The more powerful singer
3. Chummy Bradford girl made good
4. Party babe; she really likes alcohol!
5. Wan, pale, nice
Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
My Vandal
He'd tear my jeans and frustrate me;
He ate four sheets and each wee flea;
Saliva-covered tongue has he;
See, nothing beats a dog!
Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
My mother gave me a chance at life,
Ha, a laughter season at seven;
But, jaded resentful years added strife;
Now she's gone ahead to heaven.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A FATE A DATE
As saucy, sensual Tavia led
Me to her scented, unmade bed,
She gave herself with joy, not fear,
Adrian Hickford with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A fact: a mad (but flashy) Valentine gave a hundred red roses to a fancied sweetheart.
The message:
Let's have a June honeymoon?
She agreed!
And then she gave me gonorrhea
Christopher Sturdy with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
I have had a face 'set to stun'
The day you gave me DNA, gentle mum.
Her teeth, jaw and a nose,
Feared, far as it goes
And shall ever be... "Cheers!", Son.
Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
My mother gave me a chance at life,
Ha, a laughter season at seven;
But, jaded resentful years added strife;
Now she's gone ahead to heaven.
Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
Jest
I maneuver beneath an angry cloud,
Same as the seamen see overhead;
Then, savagely target the crowds,
Of neat daffodil hues ahead.
Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
She was an Amstaff, savage bitch,
Our teenage son led from a ditch;
One June he'd leave, eager to study art;
She'd ease and even heal my heart.
Dharam Khalsa with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
Children, who are all eyes and ears,
Have the advantage of the safe years
To be taught, even as jet engineers;
Mum, Dad, focus ahead on STEM.
Ellie Dent with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A MOTHER
A smile and laugh, a face serene
Oh, bygone dates, yet evergreen
Have effect, as hard adults e'en
Now, and motivate just as she had.
Marie Pezarro with:
She gave me eyes; she gave me ears;
And humble cares and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A lashed orb, svelte lugs, ma donate f'me;
Have angst/mad dreads (hee hee!);
I've organ, founta 'wet' set free,
Tenderness, joyance (ha ha ha), acuity.
Meyran Kraus with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
My Vandal
He'd tear my jeans and frustrate me;
He ate four sheets and each wee flea;
Saliva-covered tongue has he;
See, nothing beats a dog!
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy
=
Dear Juliet on the balcony
Ever hath Romeo serenaded thee ...
Flee that gang, and have us wed, and have us merge in a feast of a mass ecstasy!
Rosie Perera with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
Note the huge head, and see
the buoyant reverse of me;
An average-jawed dame,
that favoured Canada lass:
She's my reflection in the glass!
Tom Myers with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
Eye me so savage, such a fart;
Eye a vengeful son -- me from the start;
When scandal jaded her devoted heart;
Teenage? Banish! Old? Euthanasia!
Tony Crafter with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
A FATE A DATE
As saucy, sensual Tavia led
Me to her scented, unmade bed,
She gave herself with joy, not fear,
And then she gave me gonorrhea
View with:
She gave me eyes, she gave me ears;
And humble cares, and delicate fears;
A heart, the fountain of sweet tears;
And love and thought and joy.
=
Aha, Jewish mother!
Ta, there is no other!
Clever, elegant,
Decent, benevolent
Safe and sage,
Defuses age,
Savour, faddy
Amah, steady.
A HUMAN!
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly ladies, Martha and Winifred are standing outside their nursing home having a sneaky smoke, when it begins to rain.
Martha whips open her handbag, pulls a condom out, cuts the end off it, puts the condom over her cigarette and continues smoking.
"Hey, Martha, what exactly is that?" says Winifred.
"It's a condom," Martha explains. "By doing this, I can happily smoke my cigarette and it doesn't even get damp."
"Okay... so, where did you get it?" asks her pal.
"Oh, you can buy them at any drugstore, Winnie. There is even one just here in the town."
The following day, Winifred makes her way down to the drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she would like to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looks at her somewhat strangely (she is, after all, 81 years of age), but politely asks her what particular brand she'd like.
"Oh, it doesn't matter really," says Winifred, "as long as it fits a Camel."
=
A lad of 18 walks into a drugstore and announces to the male pharmacist: "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house tomorrow. Afterwards, there's a chance I'll get lucky, if you know what I mean?"
"Well, I guess you'll want some condoms then," says the man, "they could come in useful. Here's a pack."
After paying, the young man walks to the door, hesitates, then crassly says: "You know what, I've met the mom and she's also smoking hot! I am tempted to take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky..."
The following day finds the boy sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend and both her parents. Next thing, the mother asks if he'd like to say grace.
The boy complies, puts his head down and starts praying... and praying... and praying...
After a bit, the daughter leans over and whispers to him "I had no idea you were religious,"
The boy retorts, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
We each took on the same name. Who are we?
1. The Bard's Juliet Wore Prada
2. I'm the Black-Eyed Duchess
3. Dr. Queen
4. Twelve Bullitts A Slave
5. I'm the magical orphan
6. I paint the essay
7. The Foreigner Clash
8. A Honeymooning Joffrey
9. She will join "Destiny's Creek"
10. Far From The Mad-Maxing Crowd
=
The Ten World-Famous Pairs who bear the same names are: [highlight the text below if you're ready to know the answer to the riddle]
1. Anne Hathaway
2. Fergie
3. Jane Seymour
4. Steve McQueen
5. David Copperfield
6. Francis Bacon
7. Mick Jones
8. Jack Gleeson
9. Michelle Williams
10. Thomas Hardy
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
What if canines could send text messages to their human friends?
BOL - Barking Out Loud
OMDT - Over My Dead Toy
HAW - Humans Are Watching
OMD - Oh My Dog
TTP - Talk To the Paw
ROFB - Rolling On the Floor Barking
SMB - Smell My Butt
WTF - Where's The Food?
~
FOMO - Freaking Out, Missing Owner
SMB - Scratch My Belly
TATT - Turn Around Three Times
OUTBD - Open Up The Back Door
GFW - Go For a Walk
GMA - Give Me Attention
FMOB - Found My Old Ball
DDTWTH - Dash Down To Water The Hydrant
OHIS - Ohh Hell, I'm Sexless!
Christopher Sturdy with:
"Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game, and a fantastic comeback, under immense pressure. You represented the Great State of Kansas and, in fact, the entire USA, so very well"
=
He needed a statement perhaps but cretin gets the state wrong...
It's a Missouri franchise as any fan can tell... not even close.
Easy mistake or yet again a deranged rant from a fatuous cocksucker?
Dharam Khalsa with:
World's Top Five Museums, Galleries and Buildings
(according to The International Council of Museums):
* Smithsonian Institution
* State Hermitage
* The Louvre
* The British Museum
* Acropolis Museum
=
To sum:
i. Washington, DC - mammoth, but meticulous
ii. St. Petersburg, Russia - illustrious mode
iii. Paris, France - famous silhouette
iv. London, England - historic theme
v. Athens, Greece - monumental, sunlit
Dharam Khalsa with:
Ten old actresses who slept with whomever they were comfortable:
1. Elizabeth Taylor
2. Vivien Leigh
3. Tallulah Bankhead
4. Jayne Mansfield
5. Clara Bow
6. Louise Brooks
7. Lupe Vélez
8. Diana Dors
9. Barbara La Marr
10. Daisy And Violet Hilton
=
1. Males truly loved Liz, then failed
2. Available to Olivier
3. A husky vocal appeal
4. Large-bosomed bombshell
5. Silent heartthrob
6. Brief movie career
7. A bizarre death
8. Known as "a wayward hussy"
9. Had...well...other talent
10. Conjoined twins
Dharam Khalsa with:
What if canines could send text messages to their human friends?
BOL - Barking Out Loud
OMDT - Over My Dead Toy
HAW - Humans Are Watching
OMD - Oh My Dog
TTP - Talk To the Paw
ROFB - Rolling On the Floor Barking
SMB - Smell My Butt
WTF - Where's The Food?
~
FOMO - Freaking Out, Missing Owner
SMB - Scratch My Belly
TATT - Turn Around Three Times
OUTBD - Open Up The Back Door
GFW - Go For a Walk
GMA - Give Me Attention
FMOB - Found My Old Ball
DDTWTH - Dash Down To Water The Hydrant
OHIS - Ohh Hell, I'm Sexless!
Meyran Kraus with:
We each took on the same name. Who are we?
1. The Bard's Juliet Wore Prada
2. I'm the Black-Eyed Duchess
3. Dr. Queen
4. Twelve Bullitts A Slave
5. I'm the magical orphan
6. I paint the essay
7. The Foreigner Clash
8. A Honeymooning Joffrey
9. She will join "Destiny's Creek"
10. Far From The Mad-Maxing Crowd
=
The Ten World-Famous Pairs who bear the same names are: [highlight the text below if you're ready to know the answer to the riddle]
1. Anne Hathaway
2. Fergie
3. Jane Seymour
4. Steve McQueen
5. David Copperfield
6. Francis Bacon
7. Mick Jones
8. Jack Gleeson
9. Michelle Williams
10. Thomas Hardy
Tony Crafter with:
Two elderly ladies, Martha and Winifred are standing outside their nursing home having a sneaky smoke, when it begins to rain.
Martha whips open her handbag, pulls a condom out, cuts the end off it, puts the condom over her cigarette and continues smoking.
"Hey, Martha, what exactly is that?" says Winifred.
"It's a condom," Martha explains. "By doing this, I can happily smoke my cigarette and it doesn't even get damp."
"Okay... so, where did you get it?" asks her pal.
"Oh, you can buy them at any drugstore, Winnie. There is even one just here in the town."
The following day, Winifred makes her way down to the drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she would like to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looks at her somewhat strangely (she is, after all, 81 years of age), but politely asks her what particular brand she'd like.
"Oh, it doesn't matter really," says Winifred, "as long as it fits a Camel."
=
A lad of 18 walks into a drugstore and announces to the male pharmacist: "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house tomorrow. Afterwards, there's a chance I'll get lucky, if you know what I mean?"
"Well, I guess you'll want some condoms then," says the man, "they could come in useful. Here's a pack."
After paying, the young man walks to the door, hesitates, then crassly says: "You know what, I've met the mom and she's also smoking hot! I am tempted to take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky..."
The following day finds the boy sitting at the dinner table with his girlfriend and both her parents. Next thing, the mother asks if he'd like to say grace.
The boy complies, puts his head down and starts praying... and praying... and praying...
After a bit, the daughter leans over and whispers to him "I had no idea you were religious,"
The boy retorts, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Love Sonnet XXVI
There is a secret all true lovers share,
A mystery none initiate ever names,
And none shall ever know whom love disclaims,
Whereby his votaries breathe a common air,
And know each other and themselves. Forbear,
Ye alien lives whom honest passion shames,
And ye whose bodily lust obscures and tames
The spirit's light, to seek an entrance there.
But ye whose body and soul have equal growth
And bear Love's blest baptismal mark in both,
Whether for joy the years seem scarce enough,
Or else to resignation doomed, but loth,
Approach Love's holy guild,and learn the oath,
Free of the secret brotherhood of Love.
=
My Proposal As A Sonnet
When I was brash and chasing thrills sublime,
I blamed each lover once that lark was over;
Like bourbon, love excited me each time -
Like bourbon, love seemed horrible when sober.
Yet, once I chose the road to growth instead,
One seamless Eve revised those harsh objections -
Unhealthy gripes no longer haunt this head;
My sour heart evolved and bore affection.
And as the heavens birth another day,
Red rays, as hot as an eternal flame,
Restore those lovely tones to Winter-Gray;
Your hopeful look of candor meant the same.
My somewhat novel verse shall do it best:
Express my love anew with this request.
2nd - Ellie Dent with:
JOKES... mainly short ones.
Did you hear about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.
I just watched a programme about beavers. It was the best dam programme I've ever seen.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.
Why did the farm scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane, but I cannot see it taking off.
The shovel was a fine, ground-breaking invention.
Son: "Dad, did you get a haircut?" Dad: "No I got them all cut."
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I wouldn't buy something with Velcro. It is a total rip-off.
Don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
Wanna hear a joke about construction? I am still working on it.
I accidentally handed the wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't
talking to me.
This graveyard looks really overcrowded. I guess people must be dying to get in.
~
I built an electric fence around my garden. Now my objectionable neighbours are dead against
it.
Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happier now.
Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Guess what you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Son: "Dad, can you put on my black shoes?" Dad: "I'll persevere, son but they might not fit me."
The wife, bitter, childish too, accused me, me, outright of having zero empathy!! Have a
heart! How can she say that?? It's perverse. I don't get it.
What d'you call an over-fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
The wife asked if I was listening to her. Strange way to start a conversation.
To the blockhead in a wheelchair who stole that camouflage jacket: You can hide, jerk, but
you can't run.
I thought about participating in a healthier all-walnut diet. But that's altogether nuts.
"Dad, d'you know what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they've got smart. Also got better
at it.
I do applaud the neighbourhood furniture store. It appears considerate, it keeps calling. But
bejabers, all that I had ever wanted was a one-night stand. Awkward.
Son asked: "Dad, can you put the cat out?" Dad: "Didn't know it was on fire."
The wife says I have two faults: I don't listen... and something else.
I was once paid a wage to work in a shoe recycling shop. I coped, but regretted it. It was a
strange, sole destroying experience.
My good wife told me to stop behaving like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Son: "I'll call you later, Dad." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."
BOOM! BOOM!
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
I offer the following Mathematical Limerick:
"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more."
No good? How about the next one?
~
Qualms or no qualms, a sum unadvisedly
explained all in word form (vs. known visual aids):
"Integral zee squared dee zee
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e."
Gasp!
Christopher Sturdy with:
O Reader! had you in your mind
Such stores as silent thought can bring,
O gentle Reader! you would find
A tale in everything.
William Wordsworth
=
Reflect a while and go to ground,
What is there to lose?
All in history surround,
In that, unlearned, you'd drown;
My big dream is I change your views.
Tony Crafter with:
FINGS AIN'T WOT THEY USED T' BE
Written by Lionel Bart
Recorded by Max Bygraves (1960)
They've changed our local palais into a bowling alley and
Fings ain't wot they used t'be
There's teds wiv drainpipe trousers and debs in coffee houses
And fings ain't wot they used t'be
There used to be trams
Not very quick got you from place to place
But now there's just jams, half a mile thick
Stay in the human race, I'm walking
They've stuck parking meters outside our door to greet us
Now fings ain't wot they used t'be
Monkeys flying around the moon
We'll be up there wiv 'em soon
Fings ain't wot they used t'be
Once our beer was froffy, but now its froffy coffee
Well fings ain't wot they used t'be
It used t'be fun
Dad and old Mum paddling down Southend
But now it ain't done
Never mind chum,
Paris is where we spend our outings
Grandma tries to shock us all
Doing knees up rock 'n' roll
Fings ain't wot they used t'be
We used to have stars
Singers who sung A Dixie Melody
They're buying guitars
Plinkety plonk, backing themselves with three chords only
Once we danced from twelve to three
I've got news for Elvis P
Fings ain't wot they used t'
Did the lot we used t'
Fings ain't wot they used to be.
=
NO, FINGS AIN'T WOT THEY USED T'BE (modern remix)
Kevin 'Kev' Glumm
They've turned our bowling alley into a cyber cafe and
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.
There's dolts glued to their mobile phones
In some dumb world of their own,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.
We used t'ride bikes,
Wearing flat caps, trousers wiv cycle clips,
Now helmeted types, travel in packs,
Hogging the road in vogue-brand Lycra.
Plastic's wrecked our planet but they've refused t'ban it,
Well, fings ain't wot they used t'be,
Glaciers, eons forming,
Melting from over-warming,
Son, fings ain't wot they used t'be.
Streets that once had toffee shops
Now are rammed wiv coffee shops,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.
Our kids used t'play
Conkers each day, out in the school playground,
But now they've been banned,
Kids, they understand,
It's about 'elf 'n' safety' - bunkum!
Tots on potties, young as two
Viewing iPads while they poo,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.
We used t'send cards
A link to our friends, when on our holidays,
Now we send regards
In quite different ways - Facebook, text, or even email.
Just what does our future hold?
Much grey gloom lurking I'm told,
Fings ain't wot they used t'
Be in 1960,
Just ain't what they used t'be!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
When the fart is 'Silent But Deadly' ~
there's subtle, yet fatal, hind-wind.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Penile odour =
Poodle-urine.
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Who called it a penis and not a pantyhose? =
I adopted 'the passion-cannon' all the way!
Christopher Sturdy with:
A man's privates include his penis and testicles =
A maid, she's sensitive: arse, nipples, cunt and clit.
View with:
The uncensored vocabulary =
Oh, any old curse! (beaver, cunt...)