1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A trained circus elephant =
Such a placid entertainer.
2nd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
Sin City =
It is NYC!
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The professional plastic surgeon =
I sculpt this large nose of a person.
Ellie Dent with:
New software =
Now we're fast!
nedesto with:
The forest biome =
Trees' bit of home.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Lens to correct fairly appalling eyesight =
A pair of spectacles? He'll gingerly try it on.
Meyran Kraus with:
Sing the old ~
golden hits.
Tyler Severance with:
The brutal death came for unto ~
blunt force trauma to the head.
View with:
The instruction =
Tutor's nice hint.
View with:
Wolf in sheep's clothing =
The 'FELLOWSHIP' sign? Con!
Dharam Khalsa with:
A dirty old man =
Not my dad! Liar!
Rosie Perera with:
The ex-death row inmate =
Him that we exonerated.
Adie Pena with:
The mass–energy equivalence formula is read as ~
E=mc squared. (A very famous Einstein shall agree.)
Rosie Perera with:
A government informant =
Rotten man...forgiven man.
Jason Lofts with:
Americans: Ukraine is in ... Greenland? =
I seek Narnia in ... England ... Crimea (RUS)?
Tyler Severance with:
Take it upon consideration =
In our case, kitten adoption.
Rosie Perera with:
Perhaps clean energy is possible =
Sorry, please bench gas pipelines.
Tyler Severance with:
Summer's time in Florida =
Medium rain storms life.
Tyler Severance with:
Go inside a lion's den =
God is in Daniel's one.
Ellie Dent with:
A believer's prayer =
Very real: 'Praise Be!'
Tony Crafter with:
Hotel managers ~
loathe Germans!
Rosie Perera with:
International diplomacy =
I am not inclined to parlay!
Ellie Dent with:
Springtime's wayside flowers =
Yield new gifts: saw primroses.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Safety speed camera =
Fast escape? Deary me!
Tyler Severance with:
Google maps idea =
Plea good images.
Julian Lofts with:
Equipollent canonisation =
No poll on "quite a nice saint"?
Meyran Kraus with:
"Life-or-death situation!" =
Shouted it at an oil fire.
Jason Lofts with:
"Blackamoors are dirty" =
A bloody racist remark!
Prashanth with:
Vegetarianisms =
Meat is grave sin.
Snyder with:
The sugar detox diet =
Tried, got exhausted.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Naturalisation =
Not in Australia!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'The Creation of Adam', a Sistine Chapel ceiling mural =
God shall touch Man in a fierce Italian masterpiece.
2nd - Adie Pena with:
'Captain America: The Winter Soldier' =
We cried: "Isn't he a real patriotic man?"
3rd - Tyler Severance with:
The popular television hit Breaking Bad =
Bald "Heisenberg" took punitive liar path.
Robert Jordan with:
Magic Disney moment =
Genie: "'Tis my command."
Meyran Kraus with:
Catchphrase that Tweety used =
He's scared he "taw the puttycat"!
Meyran Kraus with:
The theaters in Paris =
Thespian art is there.
Scott Gardner with:
Broadway star Patti LuPone =
Popular at Tony Awards, I bet.
Scott Gardner with:
Edouard Manet's Le déjeuner sur l'herbe =
June trees shroud rare nude belle dame.
Mark Huffman with:
The famous fantasy novelist George R. R. Martin =
In "Game of Thrones," literary star gave most fun!
View with:
The 'Tomorrow Never Dies' ~
movie showed terror net.
Jason Lofts with:
Lorde's hit "Royals" is ~
dross. Oh, it really is!
View with:
The Meaning of Life =
Ah, get one fine film!
Snyder with:
Apocalypse Now =
A newsy Coppola.
Rosie Perera with:
A heavy metal band ~
behave adamantly.
Richard Grantham with:
Heavy metal musician =
I am nuts, may have lice.
Larry Brash with:
The National Gallery, London =
An online golden art? Tallyho!
Julian Lofts with:
A sumptuous film - "Only Lovers Left Alive" =
Um, isn't tale of soulful vampires lovely?
Tony Crafter with:
The English bass guitarist/composer Paul McCartney =
Arrgh! Stop playing Beatles' music at concerts. Sue him!
Meyran Kraus with:
The Running of the Bulls =
Get horn full in the buns!
Prashanth with:
SriLanka vs India =
Kind Asian Rivals.
Snyder with:
Margaret Mitchell's "Gone with the Wind"
=
When most will hate the tragic, grim end.
nedesto with:
Rowling's Harry Potter series. =
Literary prowess? Right. Snore!
Dharam Khalsa with:
The favorite television game show "Family Feud" =
"Ow" of humiliating defeat, smile of Steve Harvey.
Christopher Sturdy with:
I'm Gonna Be (Five Hundred Miles) by The Proclaimers =
Incredibly far, met, I love her, I bang on... she dumps me!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar maintains that he is not guilty of Reeva's death =
Is this a fact, mister? I hear you haven't a leg to stand on!
2nd - nedesto with:
It's National Honesty Day =
I don't say any lies on that!
3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Malaysia Minister of Transportation Hussein =
Issues misinformation on that stray airplane.
Maurice Goddard with:
England's schools succeed in problem-solving test =
Nothing stops classes' college-bound clever minds!
Meyran Kraus with:
The Crimean dispute =
A scheme Putin tried.
Jason Lofts with:
Portraits by George W. Bush go on display =
Gee, poor Dubya throws grisly paint gobs.
Adie Pena with:
The missing Malaysia Airlines plane =
Alarmingly implies Asians in the sea?
View with:
Thousands of Arabs that are dying in Syria =
Assad fights or ruins anybody in that area.
Meyran Kraus with:
Climate change is real? =
America challenges it!
Rosie Perera with:
Separatist militants =
Mantra is "I split state."
Tyler Severance with:
A demonic Easter =
"Eat More Candies"!
Julian Lofts with:
Pope Francis baptises faithful at Easter vigil =
Gee, a bath for servile fanatics? Pitiful papists!
Rosie Perera with:
Donetsk, Ukraine =
Taken, so U.N. irked.
Rosie Perera with:
Anniversary of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising =
I saw hero fighting. "Never transport us away!"
Rosie Perera with:
Glafira Rosales and Jose Carlos Bergantiños Diaz =
Locals jailed on a diagnosis as brazen art forgers.
Ellie Dent with:
Easter celebrations around the world =
Wanted to celebrate our Lord has risen!
Christopher Sturdy with:
At the end of the day, it's all about money ~
at United (and they hate Moyes' football).
Rosie Perera with:
The diagnosis of acquired savant syndrome =
Sir's good in maths, a fan; quite odd, even scary.
Rosie Perera with:
Monday is Holocaust Remembrance Day =
Many come, consider our abysmal death.
Larry Brash with:
The running of the bulls ‡
Thus fleeing blunt horn.
Rosie Perera with:
John Paul II to become a saint =
Jubilation to see a champion.
Prashanth with:
Malaysia Airlines flight =
Aerially amiss thing - FAIL.
Tony Crafter with:
"Hey, I'm engaged to a cool lady and we're soul-mates!" =
Yeah! George Clooney's set to wed Amal Alamuddin.
Rosie Perera with:
NBA bans Donald Sterling for life for racist remarks =
Asserts: "All black men are rifraff; don't bring indoors!"
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Comedian Stephen Colbert =
He copied Letterman on CBS.
2nd - Matt Jones with:
Stephen Colbert =
Enter to help CBS.
3rd - David Bourke with:
The country singer Linda Maria Ronstadt =
Man, I'd rather listen to our angry cat's din!
Dharam Khalsa with:
RAAF Flight Lieutenant Russell Adams =
All girl fans salute this featured man.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Noah" actress Emma Watson =
Cast as woman near to Shem.
Scott Gardner with:
The Washington singer Kurt Cobain =
He is grunge-rock town's inhabitant.
Meyran Kraus with:
The film director Woody Allen =
Witty old man or foiled lecher?
Rosie Perera with:
The award-winning filmmaker Michael Francis Moore =
A lead cinema worker from Flint, Michigan. Answer him!
Scott Gardner with:
The Oscar nominee Christian Bale =
See actor in his niche Batman role.
View with:
Serena and Venus Williams =
Winners; ladies man values.
Rosie Perera with:
Cosmonaut Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin =
An iconic guy leaves earth. US grim, okay?
Ellie Dent with:
Edouard Manet, the Father of Modernism =
The nude dominated art for me... for shame!
Rosie Perera with:
Thomas Geoffrey Wilkinson =
A goy, he often works in films.
View with:
The champion Australian swimmer, ~
Ian Thorpe: "I am such slim water man."
Julian Lofts with:
Gerrie Nel's the South African State Prosecutor =
He reenacts truth. Fleet Oscar Pistorius 'a goner'.
Adie Pena with:
The athlete Oscar Leonard Carl Pistorius =
A cold corpse results in the hero at a trial.
Ellie Dent with:
The infamous German leader, Hitler =
He led men as Führer, a militant ogre.
nedesto with:
Arthur, the legendary king of all the Britons =
Risked throne thereof by gallant grail hunt.
Scott Gardner with:
The American fashion designer Ralph Lauren =
Hear man in USA has a preferred clothing line.
The soprano Maria Callas = with:
The soprano Maria Callas =
Am in short La Scala opera.
Tony Crafter with:
Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman and Bruno Tolioli =
Dancer, ballroom bore and an Italian go in union.
Rosie Perera with:
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling =
Well, I'll ponder dang racist person.
1st - Jon Gearhart with:
Google Translate =
Not ALL goes great...
2nd - nedesto with:
The USA Internal Revenue Service =
Their inane vultures never cease!
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
I'd trade shoes at ~
the Adidas store.
nedesto with:
Aryan Brotherhood white supremacists =
Promises "hate without borders" anarchy.
David Bourke with:
Trimethylaminuria (or fish-malodor syndrome) =
Horrid, horrid mystery...I smell of ammonia/tuna!
Tony Crafter with:
The Bantus ~
hunt beast.
Adie Pena with:
The United Nations Security Council =
Entity to include countries U.S., China.
Tony Crafter with:
"The Crimean Peninsula ~
is a mere channel." - Putin.
Ellie Dent with:
The Wild, or Dog Rose, Canina Rosa =
A color on hedgerows is radiant.
Julian Lofts with:
The Linked In website =
Newbies liked it then.
Scott Gardner with:
The Instagram website ~
wants their best image.
Adie Pena with:
British Broadcasting Corporation =
Britons' big shit or crap act on radio.
Snyder with:
Ernest Hemingway's "A Farewell to Arms" =
Men get his tale, learn of raw messy war.
Rosie Perera with:
The renowned Sherpas of Mount Everest in Nepal =
Shown at upper elevations, need no refreshment.
Prashanth with:
The United States of America =
Hot at untamed eerie Fascist.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Top Notoriously Bad Tourists
10. Brazil
9. Italy
8. France
7. India
6. Germany
5. Australia
4. China
3. Russia
2. United Kingdom
1. United States
=
10. Ah - samba crazy!
9. Pious
8. Unlikable
7. Untidy
6. So Teutonic
5. So irritating!
4. Tiny Asians
3. Red intimidators
2. Lager louts
1. Fat and rude
2nd - Jason Lofts with:
What are the various clergy ranks?
1. Priest
2. Pastor
3. Rector
4. Reverend
5. Minister
6. Cardinal
7. Pope
=
1. Strip!
2. Got an erect penis (arousal)
3. Hard core
4. Rectal entry
5. Wank
6. A horrid pervert
7. Permissive
3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Top five largest cities in the world:
1. Shanghai
2. Beijing
3. Lagos
4. Istanbul
5. Karachi
=
1. Jewel of China
2. Global capital
3. Nigeria
4. Vista at Turkish shore
5. Biggest in Sindh
Christopher Sturdy with:
Homeopathy product recalled over fears it may contain actual medicine
=
Come, you must accept that had revealed a trace of mad irony (or penicillin!).
Rosie Perera with:
I think detecting the dying cabin of Malaysia Airlines 370, lost under the ocean, felt ~
a little bit reminiscent of searching to find a tiny old needle in a huge haystack.
View with:
Experts Claim They've Found the Holy Grail in Spanish Basilica =
Golden chalice in Holy man's very Last Supper? Exhibit is a Faith!
nedesto with:
Lolita, the huge novel written by Vladimir V. Nabokov =
Book involved man in love with a very little brat. Ugh!
David Bourke with:
The United States of America's National Security Agency
=
No use, I guess...one Malaysian aircraft, they can't detect it!
Julian Lofts with:
Hillbilly hunters try to catch unexplained creatures in Appalachia ~
called Chupacabra, Unicorn, Sphinx, Harpy, Lilitu, the tall Eastern Yeti.
Jason Lofts with:
The six tiniest countries (microstates):
6. Liechtenstein
5. San Marino
4. Tuvalu
3. Nauru
2. Monaco
1. The Vatican City
=
6. Mountainous tax oasis
5. Enclave
4. Isle
3. It is that avian incrustation - true!
2. City
1. Most eminent church center
Jason Lofts with:
George Osborne warns City to prepare for mad turmoil over Russia sanctions and interest rate rises.
=
Russia's Crimean wrongdoings to be a test for Treasury. Air aim: Restore control, prevent a depression!
David Bourke with:
The lawyer Gerrie Nel, South African State Prosecutor =
Role here is to get runner Oscar put away...a life stretch.
Snyder with:
"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astound ourselves."
=
"Edison, you who valued raw persistence, battled failure well. A lead! Light flows!"
Julian Lofts with:
The Surprising Reason A Man Should Take A Pregnancy Test =
Yes, he's pregnant? Nah! A prank diagnoses testicular tumor.
Jason Lofts with:
Ranks in the Catholic clergy
1. Deacon
2. Priest
3. Monsignor
4. Bishop
5. Cardinal
6. Pope, the Vicar of Christ=
1. Sick pervert
2. Closet gay
3. Fondling children
4. Homo
5. Not penisphobic
6. Patriarch - a critic (has reason!)
Jason Lofts with:
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I think today is a good day to tell you that I love you" =
Tear? That's a bloody odious lie, you violent shooter, you killed Reeva! It's a tragedy.
David Bourke with:
The book 'Smile for the Camera: The Double Life of Cyril Smith' =
Foulest fat horrific homo. He liked each little boy's member.
Dharam Khalsa with:
“One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.” - Paulo Coelho
=
My "someday soon" to-do outline:
Awaken
Travel
Heal people to whole
Guide wayward youth
Be content
(Dunno why I wait)
Scott Gardner with:
The Toccata and Fugue in D minor by Johann Sebastian Bach =
Attend a big church on a sabbath and often enjoy musician.
Julian Lofts with:
Did removing lead from petrol spark a decline in crimes? =
Admit - criminals or finks peddling dope are more clever.
Julian Lofts with:
Rubin 'Hurricane' Carter, New Jersey's middleweight boxing champion, dies in Canada =
Who punched jaws extra hard in ring combat - in residence in Elysium. Abiding career.
Adie Pena with:
The Top Three James Bond Villains
3. Oddjob
2. Goldfinger
1. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
=
3. Hat disjoins
2. Jaded Gert Frobe ends gold shortfall
1. Top level bomb inventor.
Julian Lofts with:
More powerful sonar needed in plane search, says Australia
=
Where? Ocean? I daresay, unless it appears on land (false rumor).
dk with:
Since when is a bunch of drunken young Aussies singing Waltzing Matilda out of tune and forgetting the words irritating? =
I guess it does seem wrong to criticize, insult and bash a wanton drunk gang in outrage, finding fault with their funny song...
Julian Lofts with:
Lessons the British legal system could learn from the Oscar Pistorius trial =
It's illegal to humorlessly shoot trespasser first and lie in court chambers
Jason Lofts with:
As deadline passes, Syria is pressed to complete destruction of its chemical arms =
In politics, seems it's time to decide Assad's pressured to scrap arsenal of alchemy.
nedesto with:
Tiny Tim naively asked, "Where'd we actually come from?"
Dad said, "From God, you foolish boy!"
Then Tim asked mom who said ~
"We've come from monkeys."
Thrown, Tim said, "You lied, dad!"
Dad coyly said, “Oh, mom was talking about her side of the family."
Meyran Kraus with:
MED Lists do well since they:
1. Stand out
2. Are a lot of fun
3. Are about known things
4. Seem like several perfect short entries.
=
Lists won't take the gold if they contain:
1. Rude phrases
2. A bad structure
3. Items no one knows
4. Some self-referential level.
1st - Rosie Perera with:
April One. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." - Mark Twain
=
What a piece of work is man,
how foolish, indeed rude,
that her man Henry,
with errant dexterity,
put underwear on his head.
2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
April One. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." - Mark Twain
=
No pride in how we think with such human dexterity, and remained sure easy to fool, rewarded with fear rather than hope.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
"April One. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." - Mark Twain
=
Slow wit, hither adrift;
The war and near.
Unwise apathy or
Prosy thinker.
I exhumed in the hour of
Death -- Condemned are we!
Dharam Khalsa with:
I irritate Dad:
Salt in white sweetener (oh-oh!)
Fix donut with hardener (funny!)
Darken soap (hee-haw!)
Wrap the commode (hurry!)
Dharam Khalsa with:
Fool:
Hothead python owner
Whiny hairdresser
Fixated mathematician
Withdrawn underwriter
Haunted housekeeper
Tony Crafter with:
"Why is Man so fixated with Mars? I wonder."
(with irony) "Uh... he'd need another heap to ruin after he'd wrecked our planet Earth?"
View with:
It doesn't matter which day of April - One, Two, Three or any; we're the hard, hunted mix - unwise, weak, and in hardship here.
Adie Pena with:
The inept president.
The nude irrational wife;
Her awkward ways,
Her funny hair,
Her dead mother.
Oh, sex without a condom!
nedesto with:
Excited man named Filipino,
Uttered he wanted to know:
Whether we're stupid,
Harsh, hasty, horrid?
We're an oaf in a hurry... Oh!
Julian Lofts with:
The father of American literature." Renown, huh? Why, intrepid Tom Sawyer's water expedition hoodwinked hundreds, haha!
Julian Lofts with:
"The father of American literature." Renown, huh? Why, intrepid Tom Sawyer's water expedition hoodwinked hundreds, haha!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Whereas the kind expert Twain,
Had humour to entertain,
Why, once per year,
From what we hear,
Did he hurt FOOLS in disdain?!
Snyder with:
Fortunate? Exalted? We win? Myths.
I wonder why I often hide a hardened heart.
I hurt when mistakes produce pain.
Ah, horror.
Larry Brash with:
What one had drained your money?
The fake "Inherit wealth" spam?
The rich widow sex fraud?
Or has their rotten winner dupe?
Jon Gearhart with:
How do I express here what mankind is in written form? Uhh, retarded? A pithy hauteur? We are only a fart echoed on the wind...
Meyran Kraus with:
Men!
Tired of cruel hoaxes?
Your
tedium
was worth it!
I had a new epiphany! Think
hard there...
Harder! Find the new answer too!!
nedesto with:
The oaf wanted a dramA;
Shaky harried chumP.
Ranters? "Uh hey, we twitteR."
Idiot wind exhorted ennuI,
For in here, peons howL.
Ellie with:
Oh, I think author inferred, warned, how fools rush in whate'er the date. Anyhow, expect hardwired men are stupid any time.
1st - Maurice Goddard with:
1: Dogs
2: Cats
3: Swans
4: Budgerigars
5: Birds
6: Horses
7: Chickens
8: Kangaroos
9: Fish
10: Bacteria
11: Earthworms
12: Plankton
13: Sheep
14: White mice
15: Turkeys
16: Vermin
17: Pigs
18: Cows
19: Elephants
20: Rhinoceroses
21: Leopards
22: Owls
=
1: Bark
2: Meow
3: Hiss
4: Can speak words
5: Sing
6: Race
7: Lay eggs
8: Hop
9: Swim
10: Increase!
11: Crawl
12: Cross seas
13: Wool here
14: Kid's pets
15: Real Christmas!
16: Horrid pests
17: Bacon
18: Beef
19: Trunks
20: Huge horn!
21: Spotted
22: Night vision
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
On her first night in an unusual hotel, the woman guest made sure she would know the means of escaping any possible fires.
On inspecting the corridors, she noticed what looked to be a fire-door at the end of a hallway, but when she opened it she unexpectedly saw a man having a bath!"
“Oh, I am so very sorry,” she said. “I’m looking for the fire escape.”
The man pointed to a blue door at the other end of the corridor. But as she approached it, she saw that the stark-naked man was following her – and then he started pursuing her to the fire escape!
She quickly ran down the steps, but just as she reached the bottom, a wet hand grabbed her shoulder...
“Er, where did you say that fire was?” he asked.
=
One Saturday night a wife came home late after a few too many drinks. Not wishing to wake her husband, she quietly ascended the stairs, opened their bedroom door and crept in.
To her horror, she saw four legs protruding from under the blanket instead of the expected two! In a fit of jealous rage she picked up a baseball bat and started whacking the shapes under the blanket as hard as she could. When she'd finished, she ran hotfoot to the kitchen to pour herself a large Scotch.
But, when she went in, she saw her husband was there, reading a newspaper.
"Hiya, honey!" he said. "Guess what? Your parents have come to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said hello to them!”
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
John was sitting outside his local pub one afternoon, enjoying a nice pint and generally feeling content, when a nun turned up at his table and started to decry the evils of drink.
'You should be ashamed young man! Drinking is a Sin! Wake up! Alcohol is like a killer, the blood of the Devil!'
John got irritated, and while put out, went on the offensive.
'But however do YOU, a plain nun, know this information, Sister?'
'Mother Superior told me.'
'But look, have you never, ever had even a little drink? How can you be certain that what you are saying is actually true?'
=
'Of course not! I really never have taken unholy alcohol myself.'
John said, 'Let me buy you a drink. Then afterwards, if you still believe it's truly evil, I will give up the drink for life.'
'How could I, a Nun, sit outside a pub drinking?!'
John answered, 'Don't worry, I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup. No one needs to know.'
The Nun reluctantly agreed, so John went in to see the bar manager again.
'Another pint for me, and a double vodka on the rocks.' And then lowering his voice he said, 'Would you see that the vodka is put in a tea cup?'
'Oh no! It's not the b****y Nun again, is it?'
David Bourke with:
Michael John Kells Fleetwood
John Graham McVie
Lindsey Adams Buckingham
Stephanie Lynn Nicks
and
Anne Christine Perfect
=
Five joined in 'The Chain':
Lanky drummer on chemicals.
Dejected bass man.
Flash plankspanker.
Singing witch.
The melancholy one.
Julian Lofts with:
Transcript:
Pistorius told the judge: "My lady, the sound of that gunshot in the bathroom, you wouldn't have heard anyone scream. The decibels of the gunshot, I don't believe you would have heard anyone scream. When I had finished firing the gunshots, I was screaming and I couldn't hear my own voice."
=
"Oh yes, my lady (long nods). No accident - unsound conduct. Why? Oh, we had this huge, huge argument over Reeva's cheating. She hid behind the toilet door (Snort!). I shot my Parabellum four times, over and over again. No! Oh, the noise was just awful. I wanted her to die, my lady. I hated the bitch! (Sniff)
PS I can't run."
Adie Pena with:
Ten Uses for Your Microwave that May Surprise You
1. Poach eggs
2. Make potato chips
3. Froth milk for your latte
4. Cook polenta
5. Make a quick bowl of mac and cheese -- from scratch
6. Toast nuts
7. Dry herbs
8. Proof bread dough
9. Sanitize kitchen equipment
10. Make popcorn, without a bag.
=
Ten Smart Uses for that Busted Microwave
1. Paperback case
2. Mom's handicraft stockpile
3. Memorabilia nook
4. Macadamia nut cache
5. Off-work pigeonhole
6. Antique crockery storage
7. Outhouse locker
8. Spittoon
9. Dogbath for the Shih Tzu puppy
10. Quarters for the pygmy you know.
nedesto with:
Alyssa had remained in a coma for months.
The nurses giving her a bed bath had noticed there was a very small response on the monitor while they were washing her private area. They tried again, and sure enough, there was definitely a movement.
One went to Alyssa's husband and reported what happened, telling him, "Well, as goofy as this sounds, my colleagues suspect a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma early."
He was rather skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtain for privacy. He finally agreed and went in to Alyssa's room.
After just a few minutes, her monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they yelped.
The husband said, "I'm not really sure... maybe she choked."
=
"Of course I won't laugh,” chided the nurse. "I'm a professional, sir. Fact is, in twenty years I have never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," answered Henry shyly, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing just about the tiniest male part which frankly the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was hardly bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried hard to stifle a laugh, but it came anyway. Feeling bad that she had laughed harshly at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"Excuse me, I am so sorry," she admitted contritely. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and as a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Henry replied meekly.
She ran out of the room.
Meyran Kraus with:
Here's a genius way to handle telemarketers, popularized by a famous prank:
TELEMARKETER: Mr. Smith, my name's John. I want to tell you about our new lotion...
YOU: Hold on, sir. This is Detective Madsen. How do you know Mr. Smith?
TELEMARKETER: I don't, I just called to...
YOU: You just called a murder scene. Mr. Smith has been brutally shot thirty times and you're the first person calling here.
TELEMARKETER: Let me get my supervisor...
YOU: You're not going anywhere. Unless you want to be locked up for life, you better tell me the truth!
[At this point, extract as much information as possible in an increasingly wary tone, then end with:]
YOU: Well, I ain't buying your story. But we traced your call and a vehicle will pick you up for a thorough interrogation. Have a nice day. *CLICK*
Benefits: Other than scaring the idiot half to death, your number will probably be erased from the call list... Corpses don't need lotions.
=
Need another nifty trick to handle annoying telemarketers? Here's a very cool one which was popularized by Seinfeld:
TELEMARKETER: Mr. Smith? Hi there, I'm Darren and I want to tell you all about our brand new robotic scissors. Perhaps you have a couple of minutes?
YOU: Actually, Darren, now is not a very good time for me, but I definitely would like to hear more about those intriguing scissors. So just tell me your home number and I'll call you later.
TELEMARKETER: Well, sorry, I can't do that. We don't tend to give people our home numbers here, Mr. Smith.
YOU: Oh right, because you wouldn't want strangers calling you all the time.
TELEMARKETER: Well, yeah, that's right.
YOU: My sentiments exactly. *CLICK*
Benefits: Mainly the joy of fiendishly outsmarting that stupid crap-peddler. But if you're not into such ironic subtleties, you can always just buy an air horn and keep it by the phone. That works too.
Rosie Perera with:
"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them" (William Shakespeare)
=
Moral premise: Some seventeenth cent. authors are inebriated braggarts, some stagger like asses, and some are even poofs. Ha ha! What fun!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Spring Song
Robert Louis Stevenson
The air was full of sun and birds,
The fresh air sparkled clearly.
Remembrance wakened in my heart
And I knew I loved her dearly.
The fallows and the leafless trees
And all my spirit tingled.
My earliest thought of love, and Spring's
First puff of perfume mingled.
In my still heart the thoughts awoke,
Came lone by lone together –
Say, birds and Sun and Spring, is Love
A mere affair of weather?
=
Remembering My Lost Half
A while had passed, yet I recall
How this fool promptly fell for her -
But dared not fight the plunge at all,
For mindless links are merrier.
And no grief, nor a twist of fate,
May snuff the avid spark worth saving
And like some evil sun negate
An ocean of elated craving:
My lips burn as I feel that kiss
Where fresher buds grew all around;
I'd sense my lady there, in bliss,
On these serene and pretty grounds.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
BACK IN THE USSR
By
The Beatles
Oh, flew in from Miami Beach BOAC.
Didn't get to bed last night
On the way the paper bag was on my knee
Man I had a dreadful flight
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boy
Back in the USSR
Been away so long I hardly knew the place
Gee it's good to be back home
Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case
Honey disconnect the phone
I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boy
Back in the US...
Back in the US...
Back in the USSR
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my mind
(musical break)
Yeah I'm back in the USSR
You don't know how lucky you are boys
Back in the USSR
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my mind
Oh, show me round your snow-peaked mountains way down south
Take me to your daddy's farm
Let me hear your balalaika's ringing out
Come and keep your comrade warm
I'm back in the USSR
Hey you don't know how lucky you are boys
Back in the USSR
=
BACKING THE USSR
By
V. Putin
Yeah, Russia's where it's happening we hold the power
So why did you all break away?
I am wholly certain, yeah that come the hour
You'll be back with us one day
So bring back the USSR
We'll all grow much stronger by far, man!
I'm backing the USSR
You got your independence but what have you done?
You're like chickens with no heads
You pygmies don't know how a country should be run
Don't know how it should be led
Get backin' my USSR
You'll go much higher by far, da!
Backing my US...
Backin' my US...
Backin' the USSR
Well, weak Ukraine will be mine some day
Crimea, it has gone
Okay folk, denounce your Western ways
Get back to where you once belonged.
(vodka break)
Yeah, I'm talking USSR
I'm talkin' a coup d'etat, man
I'm backin' the USSR
Oh, one by one I'll take my countries back
T'was always my design
You'll know okay the moment I attack
And I shall make you my-my-mine!
Now, don't be reckless, don't resist for goodness sake
I can break you with one hand
Take a moment to consider what's at stake
Head home to the Motherland
Go back to the USSR
Home to the land of your ma-ma!
I'm backin' the USSR!
3rd - nedesto with:
Absent Place-an April Day, Emily Dickinson
Absent Place-an April Day-
Daffodils a-blow
Homesick curiosity
To the Souls that snow-
Drift may block within it
Deeper than without-
Daffodil delight but
Him it duplicate-
=
Delicately bathed in paint,
All cold lookouts did wait.
Flowers bound up with duty shine
Fragrant, sappy, soft, sedate.
Outlined in birthday chiffon;
Dreamlike, whimsical.
Imitates a picky patch;
Lithe mobs botanical.
Tony Crafter with:
A farmer stopped at the local garage to have his truck repaired.
They weren't able to do it while he waited, but he said he didn't live far so he'd happily walk home.
He went into the hardware store en route and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then called in at the feed store and got a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had the problem of how to carry all these purchases home.
While he was pondering it, an old lady approached him. 'Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Juniper Lane?' she enquired.
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact my farm is very close to that lane. I'd walk you there but I'm struggling to carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why not put the tin of paint in the bucket. Then carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'That sounds just fine,' he agreed and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way, he said, 'Let's take a short cut down this alley. We'll get there in no time.'
The old lady regarded him warily then said, 'I'm a lonely widow with no husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't pin me against the wall and have your evil way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Hell, ma'am! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly pin you against the wall and do those things?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
=
While taking a quick stroll in the countryside one Friday morning, two Irishmen, Callaghan and O'Toole, came upon an abandoned well.
Curious to know how deep it might be, O'Toole picked up a couple of small stones, threw them down the well and waited for the splash as they hit the bottom. But he heard nothing.
So Callaghan picked up a rock and hurled that down the well too. They waited a while, but still they heard nothing.
They decided that they would need something much larger and heavier, and after a hasty search of the surrounding countryside, they came upon an old wooden railway sleeper.
Summoning up every ounce of their combined strength, they managed to haul the heavy railway sleeper back to the well and together they propped it up and threw it down the hole. As they stood back waiting for the splash of it hitting the bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt straight into the open well.
"Huh? Did you see what oi just feckin' saw?" O'Toole croaked hoarsely.
"Oh, Holy Mother, oi think oi feckin' did," whispered a stunned Callaghan.
Both men were still recovering from the shock of what they had seen when a farmer appeared.
"Hi, have either of you seen a goat?" he asked.
"Oh brother, we certainly have!" exclaimed Callaghan. "A goat just came up and it leapt straight down dat feckin' well, so it did!"
"Ah, well that certainly wouldn't have been my goat," chuckled the farmer, "'cause mine was tied to a railway sleeper."
Adie Pena with:
ALWAYS MARRY AN APRIL GIRL
by Ogden Nash
Praise the spells and bless the charms,
I found April in my arms.
April golden, April cloudy,
Gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy;
April soft in flowered languor,
April cold with sudden anger,
Ever changing, ever true --
I love April, I love you.
=
NEVER MARRY AN APRIL FOOL
Servile husband, once so stupid.
Gods sent April, arranged by Cupid.
April loggerhead, April fool,
Concerning verses of a golden rule;
When April is mushy and silly,
April charges my warm willy.
A verdict I'll regret and rue --
I hate April, wouldn't you?
Dharam Khalsa with:
May Day
(by Sarah Teasdale)
A delicate fabric of bird song
Floats in the air,
The smell of wet wild earth
Is everywhere.
Red small leaves of the maple
Are clenched like a hand,
Like girls at their first communion
The pear trees stand.
Oh I must pass nothing by
Without loving it much,
The raindrop try with my lips,
The grass with my touch;
For how can I be sure
I shall see again
The world on the first of May
Shining after the rain?
=
May had Vibrant Flowers
(Auntie Histamine)
The first daffodils,
Paperwhite narcissus,
The cherry-red tulips,
The daylily, night gladiolus.
The chrysanthemum,
Flowering magnolia,
The pink carnations,
The hyacinth, wisteria.
The evening primrose,
The daisies, strawflower,
The honeysuckle, lilac,
The dogwood, cornflower.
Bridesmaids' baby's breath,
Mimosa, heather, violet,
The alfalfa, amaryllis,
The aster, forget-me-not.
1st - Maurice Goddard with:
Anal copulation =
Tool up in a canal
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Floor around men's toilets =
Lots of urine... and lots more.
3rd - Adie Pena with:
Dick & nuts =
Cunt & kids.
Meyran Kraus with:
Slim eighty-two-year-old man: ~
"My willie may not get so hard!"
David Bourke with:
Restless Genital Syndrome =
Orgasm endlessly in street!
nedesto with:
The anal sphincter =
Shit-taper channel.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Man shucking oyster: ~
"My, her cunt's soaking!"
Julian Lofts with:
This century the plastic surgeons operate and ~
try to reconstruct a huge and shapeliest penis.
Jason Lofts with:
Prostitutes ~
tout priests!
Tony Crafter with:
This negative sod ~
doesn't give a shit
nedesto with:
Having reached her orgasm, the young lady is ~
heard to cheer, "Lord, my vagina's gushing! Yeah!!"