1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A nurse's care =
Reassurance.
2nd - Larry Brash with:
Gender reassignment =
Redesign strange men.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A sniffer dog =
Finder of gas.
Adie Pena with:
Cost benefit analyses =
Yes to stable finances.
Rosie Perera with:
Extremist propaganda =
An arms expert got paid.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Translation =
Lost, in a rant.
View with:
The paterfamilias =
It is male, pa, father.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A golden opportunity =
I portend long payout.
Ellie Dent with:
The car is a toy for boys =
To act boyish for years!
Larry Brash with:
Real funny rant: I'm afraid God is ~
an imaginary friend for adults.
Rosie Perera with:
Polygraph testing service =
Targets psyche, proving lie.
Rosie Perera with:
Mine's not a hangover. I'm ~
having a senior moment.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Circumstantial evidence =
Deviant act's clue in crime.
Rosie Perera with:
The double mastectomy =
Lady emotes, "Cut 'em both?"
Rosie Perera with:
Used car dealership =
Ad's lure: "Cheap rides!"
Dharam Khalsa with:
Alternative fuel ~
left nature alive!
Jesse Frankovich with:
Diamonds are forever =
Saved for one; married.
Meyran Kraus with:
Relapsed tumor =
A lump restored.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Dispersant ‡
Isn't spread.
Meyran Kraus with:
A major in Field Botany =
I may not find a real job...
Ed Pegg Jr with:
Political theatricians ~
hit patriotic alliances.
Rick Rothstein with:
A person's sex drive =
So darn expressive!
Rosie Perera with:
The circular file =
Crucial filter, eh?
Nikola Zivanovic with:
Religious Freedoms =
Sure, for me God is lie.
Rosie Perera with:
Attending one's twenty-fifth college reunion =
Ten old fogeys enter within elegant function.
Meyran Kraus with:
The ultrasound image =
Outline Ma's daughter.
Meyran Kraus with:
An "erotic masseur" =
I sure am an escort!
David Bourke with:
With learning difficulties =
Dither in linguistic waffle
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The final episode of the serial drama "Lost" =
The desolate island is a metaphor for life.
2nd - Adie Pena with:
Meg Ryan's famous role in 'When Harry Met Sally' =
Her orgasm? She was momentarily really funny!
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet: 'The Seine at Giverny' =
I may even need to create sunlight!
View with:
Sting, 'Englishman in New York' =
Known singer's 'My alien thing'.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
'Decision Points' by George W. Bush =
I bow to Cheney's bogus presiding.
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Beatles: Yellow Submarine =
Hit number: steel lay below sea
Adie Pena with:
Pachelbel's Canon in D Major ~
or Johann's calm bland piece.
Hamlet with:
Yusuf Islam formerly known as Cat Stevens =
Events of man's musical folksy ways return!
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum =
Farm abuzz, "Think a door flew by!"
Adie Pena with:
The film director Roman Polanski =
Top kid romancer himself on trial.
Tony Crafter with:
Britain's Got Talent is back =
I blink at a big star contest.
Adie Pena with:
L. Frank Baum's "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" =
What?! Folk would rebuff Mr. Sean in "Zardoz."
>
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
L. Frank Baum's "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz" =
Kid and her warm fuzzball's fortune. Woof!
Rosie Perera with:
Sarah Palin's new book, America By Heart =
Who -- Alaska's prime no-brainer? Ya betcha!
Adie Pena with:
Nosferatu =
To fear sun!
Rick Rothstein with:
The final episode of the drama series "Lost" =
So optimal if fearless hero dies at the end.
Adie Pena with:
"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" =
Tip: A desert hero's cinema spin-off.
Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
"I'd get her a costar." ~
"Stage actor hired."
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The giant oil spill disaster =
Stop drilling! It ails the sea.
2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The Iceland Volcano erupts =
Notice prevalent ash cloud.
3rd - Rosie Perera with:
British Petroleum =
Brutish peril to me.
Adie Pena with:
British Petroleum =
This prime trouble!
Rosie Perera with:
The Gulf Coast oil spill =
Gulls to collapse if hit.
Ellie Dent with:
The USA oil spillage =
Oh, I still plague sea.
David Bourke with:
The Prime Ministerial Debates =
"Meet Britain's Leadership" time
Rosie Perera with:
The Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig =
Oozing pile worried the Earth.
View with:
The Prime Ministerial Debates =
Theme: Elite Brits spar in media.
Adie Pena with:
A car bomb in Times Square is safely defused =
Bad for city's famed marquee aisle business.
David Bourke with:
The Conservative Party ~
at present, have victory.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Fortieth anniversary of Kent State massacre =
Scars of Vietnam resonate; ask the fraternity.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Lynn Redgrave has died at home =
A charming honest lady deserved a rest.
David Bourke with:
The Silver Sturgeon =
Voting results here!
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Oilmageddon" =
Go, damned oil!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Pesky bear seen hanging around Santa Fe =
He noses unfastened garbage in any park.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Pesky bear seen hanging around Santa Fe =
See sneaky hand in open garbage? Run fast!
Rosie Perera with:
Lord Jesus Christ (his real name) hit by car =
Cross street, a blah rich lady injures him.
Tony Crafter with:
Britain's Two-Thousand-and-Ten General Election =
No one celebrating? No; it's a result I hadn't wanted.
Adie Pena with:
The Greek debt crisis =
Detect big risks here.
Adie Pena with:
Conservatives and Liberal Democrats =
Stress all over David Cameron cabinet?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats ~
test the alliance broth David Cameron serves
Rosie Perera with:
5000 barrels of light, sweet crude a day =
Bad oil threat screwed Gulf -- 5000 years.
Adrain Hickford with:
The new Tory/Lib-Dem coalition =
Obediently toil with Cameron.
Scott Gardner with:
Coalition government =
Nation give me control
Rosie Perera with:
Thai government cracks down on protesters =
Can't stop rock-throwing events; needs armor.
Rosie Perera with:
Gulf Coast oil spill =
Clogs up all fit soil.
Nikola Zivanovic with:
Airspace over London =
Volcano repairs done?
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Pastoral by Henri Matisse =
Paris art by him one steals
Jesse Frankovich with:
Deepwater Horizon spill =
Prized petrol is on whale.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Controversial genetics =
Craig Venter closes on it
Ed Pegg Jr with:
Behind-the-scenes operator ~
broadens the iPhone 'secret'.
Adie Pena with:
The new American Idol? =
I'm certain Lee had won!
Rosie Perera with:
UN redoubles efforts to end female genital cutting =
Gals suffer under mutilation, often to be neglected.
Ten-Wide Jong-Li with:
New Orleans Louisiana =
O, a well on a sea in ruins!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
France's emperor Napoleon I =
A person of real prominence.
2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
Actor Gary Coleman =
Contra-acromegaly.
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The French painter, Monsieur Edgar Degas =
Preferred those haunting dancer images.
Meyran Kraus with:
The news commentator Sarah Louise Palin =
Raw, common pain in all the asses out there!
Adie Pena with:
The restaurateur Emeril Lagasse =
He rules! Meal is a sure great treat!
Rosie Perera with:
Judson T Pewther =
Who? Just Pretend.
Adie Pena with:
Painter Degas =
Sapient Edgar.
Meyran Kraus with:
Snooker star Higgins =
Grossing ain't kosher?
David Bourke with:
The Tory MP Gideon George Oliver Osborne =
Some other greedy goon born to privilege.
Adie Pena with:
Connecticut resident Faisal Shahzad =
Seize, crush and can the stolid fanatic!
View with:
Dzhanet Abdurakhmanova =
Bad knave, hazard to human
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Miriam Gonzalez Durantez =
No true dazzler? I'm amazing!
Dharam Khalsa with:
Salman Rushdie, author of "The Satanic Verses" =
Material has had controversies; thus, unsafe.
View with:
President Goodluck Jonathan =
Oh, and keep adjusting control!
Tony Crafter with:
Rt. Hon. Nicholas William Peter Clegg =
Chews all night on political merger.
View with:
John Albert Gardner III =
Ignorant jailbird here
Rosie Perera with:
The American inventor Thomas Alva Edison =
Men advance as I have lit room in Northeast.
Ivan Andonov with:
Francisco Macias Nguema =
African scum comes again!
1st - Larry Brash with:
Society for the Protection of Unborn Children =
Pro-life bunch is too concerned for her tiny tot.
2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Environmental Protection Agency? =
In reality, government cannot cope.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Global company British Petroleum =
Scary pollution might be a problem!
Adie Pena with:
Picadilly Circus fountain statue =
So uncertain if it's actually "Cupid."
Ellie Dent with:
The Florence Nightingale Museum in London =
Housing eminent oil lantern, of much legend.
Tony Crafter with:
Waitrose Supermarkets =
Up-market stores, I swear!
David Bourke with:
The Waitrose chain of supermarkets =
Irksome...we ain't cheap, that's for sure!
View with:
The Sword of Damocles =
Shadow reflects doom.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Grand Ole Opry House, Nashville, Tennessee =
Dolly Parton's seen the venue here in galoshes!
Dharam Khalsa with:
International Bird Rescue Research Center =
Rare terns in need share electric incubator.
Scott Gardner with:
Treaty of Versailles =
After years, evil lost.
View with:
The Sherwood Forest =
Few trees host R. Hood
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Space Shuttle Atlantis =
Pals launch at the test site.
Adie Pena with:
The former R. Hood and his own gang settles in ~
Sherwood Forest, Nottinghamshire, England.
David Bourke with:
The American Society for Muslim Advancement =
Muhammed's Nine-Eleven atrocity act of racism.
Rick Rothstein with:
The Space Shuttle Atlantis =
See that last step launch it.
Meyran Kraus with:
The Cathedral of Notre Dame de Paris =
Sad French tale did promote the area.
Zoran Radisavlevic with:
US Memorial Day =
Oui, army medals!
Rosie Perera with:
The Encyclopedia of Life =
They'd a piece of cell info.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The teary young woman - who was relating the details of her accident to the police - assured them that she was not speeding.
=
"What gear were you in, then?" said the state cops.
"Chartreuse hat, faded-lemon two-piece, mint shoes, tights and a yellow thong."
2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Spending on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars has surpassed one trillion dollars =
Quite a lot for sparring against a lawless person hidden in harsh sand lands, no?
3rd - Adie Pena with:
[One] "Hot Summer in the Bahamas"
[Two] "Nascent Harvest by Autumn"
[Three] "The Hoary Winter" to...
[Four] "Cheery Hopes of Spring"
=
"The seasons are what a symphony ought to be: four perfect movements in harmony with each other." [Arthur Rubenstein]
Ellie Dent with:
This horse walked into a city bar, up a wall, across the ceiling, and down a wall. A barman gave him beer, he drank it and then left.
=
As a fellow drinker, watching, cried, "Incredible! What's that all about?", a barman sighed. "Oh, he'll never wait and speak to any man."
Dharam Khalsa with:
Something old;
Something new;
Something borrowed;
Something blue. =
Oh, I brought:
Mom's modest gown;
Lewd nightie;
Noble's gem;
Rhinestone.
Dharam Khalsa with:
It might take months to cement the patches to ebb the blackened gush of oil - "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
=
"All know that the drop merges into the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into the drop." by the revered mystic Kabir
Dharam Khalsa with:
"The quieter you are, the more you can hear." -- Baba Ram Dass
=
A mere breath or a rushed heartbeat, you noisy macaque!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Watching the incumbents hanging on to power like grim death.
=
Is Gordon Brown teaming up with Nick Clegg then? I hate the man!
Rick Rothstein with:
"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz", an old-time classic children's age story written by L. Frank Baum =
Dizzy film's cast mutters "Follow the yellow brick road" and finds new brain, heart 'n' courage.
Christopher Sturdy with:
The Conservatives and Liberal Democrats engaged in coalition talks
=
There's a David Cameron/Nick Clegg love-in as total national debt rises.
David Bourke with:
The Conservatives and Liberal Democrats
form a coalition United Kingdom Government?
=
David Cameron invites modernist Nick Clegg in
to remove Labour head from No. Ten...at last!
View with:
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom David William Donald Cameron
=
Domicile - Downing Street, Ten
Hallmark - Divided man
Aim - In for Podium
Rosie Perera with:
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration ~
has noticed rampant oil condition in that American sea.
Rosie Perera with:
Gary Coleman dies at forty two. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?! =
Now witty young black actor was ill, had too short a lifetime.
Meyran Kraus with:
"Modern Criticism and Theory" by authors David Lodge and Nigel Wood =
"An irrelevant, cliched guide by two damn trashy morons!"
...Did I do good?
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Corporal Clegg had a medal too
In orange, red and blue
He found it in the zoo
Corporal Clegg received his medal in a dream
From her Majesty the Queen
His boots were very clean
(Pink Floyd) =
1st - Larry Brash with:
This man was walking along a beach, when he found a bottle and picked it up.
A genie magically popped right out and said, "Thanks for letting me out there. For your kindness I will grant you just one wish."
Then the guy said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but cannot do so because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish then is for you to build me a super-highway from here straight to Hawaii."
To that the genie replied, "Sorry, but do not think that I can do that. Now, just you think for a few minutes of all the work involved in this highway from here to Hawaii. Then think of the huge pilings it would need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean."
~
The genie continued: "Oh and you think of all the concrete that I would need to pump. And, as the Pacific is a very long span, I propose it would need to build eight hundred gas stations and relief stops along this highway... Huh! It is a big prohibitive problem. That is just too much to ask. You have to modify it or think of an easier wish."
The guy had thought for a while and said, "One thing I have always wanted to know about. I'd like to be able to understand women - what makes them laugh and cry for joy, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult and painful to get along with... In brief, what makes them tick?"
The genie thought for a while then asked him, "OK, how do you want that highway? With two lanes or four?"
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Here's something to ponder.
I recently appointed a new primary healthcare consultant.
After two sessions of exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'quite well' for my age. (I'd recently turned 60). A tad concerned about that pronouncement, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I shall live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Well, do you smoke? Or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'And I don't usually do drugs either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat beef sausages, rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former medic said that all red meat is
unhealthy!'
'Do you perhaps spend far too much time in the sun playing golf, tennis, cycling or running?
'No, never.'
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a penchant for wild sex?'
'Ha! No!' I laughed.
He looked at me and sighedÉ 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
=
A sixty-year-old man suffered a heart attack and had to undergo multiple bypass surgeryÉ
He awoke from surgery to find himself domiciled at the elite Cabrini Catholic Hospital under the care of the good nuns.
As he was recovering, a nun asked various questions about how he was going to pay the $6800 bill owed for his treatment. She asked if he'd got medical insurance.
He replied, in a gritty voice, 'No medical insurance.'
The good nun asked if he'd got any money in the bank.
'No money in the bank,' he declared.
She asked, 'Do you have relatives who could possibly help out?'
He said, 'I've only got my spinster sister, who's a nun.'
The nun became vexed and declared loudly, 'You're misguided! Nuns are not spinsters - nuns are married to God!'
The patient replied, 'Ok... Send the bill to my Brother-in-Law.'
3rd - Adie Pena with:
TOP TEN MOST DANGEROUS DOG BREEDS
10. Dalmatians: Terribly unmanageable.
9. Boxers: "Hard-to-train" ungentle puppy.
8. Presa Canarios: Frigging fearless!
7. Chow Chows: Unsafe if ill-bred.
6. Doberman Pinschers: Madness! Grr. Highly hostile when angered.
5. Alaskan Malamutes: Hmm... Drudgery? Bored? Turns jumpy, harmful, damaging.
4. Huskies: Me? The big deadly biter.
3. German Shepherds: Brazenly fearless, mean and bold.
2. Rottweilers: Hostile due to territorial instincts.
1. Pit Bulls: Take on any opponent. HELP! Remember, locks killer jaws on jugular.
=
TOP TEN MOST UNUSUAL CELEBRITY PET NAMES
10. Rachel Bilson's mixed-breed pup: Thurmen Murmen.
9. Ben Stein's shorthaired German pointer: Brigitte Bar-Dog
8. Adam Sandler's English bulldog: Matzoball
7. Selma Blair's one-eyed dog: Wink
6. Audrey Hepburn's Yorkshire Terrier: Mr. Famous
5. Martha Stewart's chow: Genghis Khan
4. Tori Spelling's pug: Mimi LaRue
3. Joss Stone's poodle: Dusty Springfield
2. Jake Gyllenhaal's German Shepherd and Puggle: Atticus Finch and Boo Radley
1. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck's yellow Labrador: Martha Stewart
Dharam Khalsa with:
What gets written on the fifth-grade students' report cards:
"George's social adjustment has not been quite what we hoped."
"Debbie is overly interested in the work of other children."
"Bruce doesn't always respect the property of the other students in the class."
"Jane is exceptionally mature socially."
=
Now, what the tired teacher's tactful notes mean:
"All the kids just hate George; he's the worst sport ever!"
"Debbie copied off others' papers during tests."
"Bruce frequently steals and is not trustworthy."
"Jane is the only child in elementary school with pierced eyebrows, tattoos, and dating experience."
Rosie Perera with:
Rush Limbaugh on the BP oil spill: ÒThe ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and left out there. It's natural. It's as natural as the ocean water is." =
But wait! That is untrue nonsense. This leak will be one of America's worst ecodisasters, threatening all the fauna (plant life too), with a harsh political fallout.
Rosie Perera with:
Dingbat Sarah Palin is no fancy clever skillful energy gal. Listen to her very iffy odd frivolous tweet on mass oil flow disaster. My God! =
"Gulf: learn from Alaska's lesson w/foreign oil co's: don't naively trust - VERIFY. Livelihood affected by spill? Don't sign away remedy rights."
View with:
I have a dream
Dharam Khalsa with:
Itemization of just a few oxymorons deemed noteworthy (that, in my opinion, reek of pure overuse):
Found missing
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Alone together
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Business ethics
Soft rock
Sweetmeat
Temporary permanent
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
Sweet sorrow
Now, then...
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Diet ice cream
A working vacation
"Now, then," one nasty jab at RP's beloved previous job (cue eerie pause)...
Microsoft Works
Bravo!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha (or, to vary it) ho-ho-ho-ho.
=
Top Sarah Palin foggy moments:
"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America,
where...where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border."
to Katie Couric, explaining close proximity of Russia to Alaska.
"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome
will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide,
based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,'
whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."
"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."
-- to Katie Couric again. She could not name a single newspaper, magazine (or book!)
she read regularly.
Dharam Khalsa with:
"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery of party, faction, and division of society." -- John Adams
=
I find hybrids of savage speeches and buffoonish newsstand hypocrisy do no justice to America, or any nation for that matter!
Dharam Khalsa with:
"I'd put my money on the sun and solar energy. What a source of power! I hope we don't have to wait until oil and coal run out before we tackle that." -- Thomas Edison =
Oh my! That 'fool idea' was unpopular to most nineteen-thirties contemporaries. If only we had valued the guy then, our ocean water and coast would be OK now!
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rainy Days and Mondays
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Charles Clarkson and his pal Sam decided to go skiing, so they loaded up Charles's van and headed north.
After travelling for some hours, they got caught in a bad snowstorm, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could shelter there for the night.
'I realise that it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she said. 'The neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Oh, don't worry,' Charles said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather clears up, we'll be gone in the morning.'
The lady agreed. The men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and the men headed off to enjoy an excellent weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Charles got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally decided it must be from the lawyer of the attractive widow he'd met on the skiing trip.
He dropped in on Sam and asked, 'Do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our skiing trip up north about nine months ago?'
'Yes, I do,' replied Sam.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well... yes,' Sam said, a bit embarrassed at being found out. 'I have to admit, I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?'
Sam's face turned as red as a beetroot. 'Yes, I'm sorry Charles; I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
=
TEODORO, THE MIDDLE-AGED LOTHARIO.
Teodoro, a middle-aged but reputedly virile Italian gentleman, was having a drink at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde woman.
They chatted for a while and things duly progressed to the point where he took her back to his apartment. After more drinks and witty chat on his part, they retired to the bedroom, where he rattled her senseless...
After their joyful activity, he asked with a happy smile, 'So, you finish, yes?'
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Somewhat deflated, but keen to live up to his mighty reputation, Teodoro reached for her and they resumed their intimacy. This time they made love with added voracity and there were howls of wild passion. The furious sex finally ended and, again, he smiled and asked, 'You finish, yes?'
After a short pause, the woman returned his smile, cuddled up closer to him and softly murmured, 'No.'
Mamma mia! Stunned, but determined not to leave this magnificent woman unsatisfied, Teodoro reached for her yet again. Summoning up the very last of his strength, he was barely able to get through it, but they finally ended together screaming joyfully, bucking, clawing and ripping at the bed sheets. Wow, dynamite!
The exhausted Teodoro fell onto his back, groggy and gasping. Barely able to turn his head toward her, he looked into the woman's eyes, smiled and asked, 'You finish?'
Hardly able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered, 'No, I Norwegian.'
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Do you think English is an easy language? If your answer is yes....
A farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that they had to refuse more refuse.
We must carefully polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would only get the lead out.
He decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, they thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at from above, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The medical insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about the correct way to row.
They were too close to the door to make it close.
A buck does funny things when does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.
To help with planting, a farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was way too strong to wind the sail.
Upon seeing a tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
English is such a crazy language! There certainly is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and no apple OR pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England, nor were French fries invented in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand really works very slowly, boxing rings are actually square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One moose, two meese? ~
Makes sense to me - we see one solo goose, two geese, so two mongeese?
We're weird! It's a crazy idea that we can make amends but not offer a single amend. If one possesses a bunch of odds and ends, forfeits all but just one, what does he have left - the odd or the end?
If teachers taught, why don't we say the preacher praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Sometimes I think all English professors need to be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language in the world would people recite in a play and go play in a recital? Or ship freight by truck and send truck by ship? Or possess noses that run and feet that smell?
How do the two extreme opposites of slim chance and fat chance express the same thing, while two similar expressions - wise man and wise guy - denote the opposite? Yes, I have to wonder at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
The stressful English language was generated and written by people, pre-computer, of course, so it represents the creative jargon of the entire human race, which is not a race at all! That is why when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they're invisible.
Though I thought I was through with this rough interpretation and just need to proofread it, test it, post it, and adjourn (I'm tired...dog-tired), I still wonder why 'Buick' doesn't rhyme with 'quick'!
(For reference, this was forwarded to me in a newsletter, renewed and reworded; therefore, I don't suggest the newsletter's present reedited letters are new!)
Tony Crafter with:
Stand by Your Man
Adie Pena with:
On May Morning
Ellie Dent with:
Where the Sidewalk Ends
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The honeymoon virgin =
Oi! No hymen overnight!
2nd - Adie Pena with:
Want enticing pleasure? =
Large penis in a wet cunt!
3rd - David Bourke with:
A warped imagination =
Man awaiting a period!
View with:
A vestal virgin =
Rev. slit vagina!
Rick Rothstein with:
"Hope springs eternal in the human breast" ~
means, uh, grab her tits n' eat on her nipples.
Meyran Kraus with:
A street whore =
Sore twat here!