APRIL 2009 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Paul Pan with:
Pandemics =
Meds panic!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Second-hand cigarette smoke =
She, kids and me get cancer, too.

eq3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The anti-wrinkle creams =
Miracle... renew that skin!

eq3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Curmudgeonliness ~
used no grin muscle.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Lion tamer =
I'm on alert.

Rosie Perera with:
Daytime soap operas =
I see sappy drama, too.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"April showers bring May flowers" (old saying) =
Spring wash for yellow daisy, rambling rose.

View with:
Car owner =
Careworn.

Anjali Mehta with:
Avoid wear =
Radiowave.

Rick Rothstein with:
A fashion model =
He is a damn fool.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The personal tutor =
Another top result!

Rosie Perera with:
Self-aggrandisement =
Fans, legends....I'm great!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Self-deprecation =
Denial of respect.

Tony Crafter with:
Entitlements =
In settlement.

Rosie Perera with:
"Caffeine withdrawal syndrome ~
warrants coffee," I whined madly.

Scott Gardner with:
Albino rats =
Sort in a lab.

Scott Gardner with:
April showers bring May flowers =
Warm rain, sprigs of yellow herbs.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The middle school principal =
I'm placed to polish children.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Old-fashioned school prom night =
Holding hands for polite smooch

Rosie Perera with:
Rough hooligans ditch a ~
high school graduation.

Rosie Perera with:
A high school senior prom =
Her cash-poor sigh: "No limo."

Rosie Perera with:
A cheating girlfriend =
Fiancee? Right, darling!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Telephone answering machines =
Message when not in... "Er, can I help?"

David Bourke with:
ATM machines =
Cash time, man!

Chris Chatfield with:
"Ever the optimist!" =
The positive term.

Larry Brash with:
The Automatic Teller Machines =
Cash tree in them? It all came out.

Adie Pena with:
Information =
A firm notion.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rotary dial telephone =
The operator and I yell.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Desktop icon on the computer =
Pick to open other documents.

Rosie Perera with:
An overnight celebrity =
One very big rich talent!

Rosie Perera with:
Gubernatorial =
Got a brain? Rule!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Chivalry is dead" ~
is hardly advice!

Chris Chatfield with:
Sound advice ~
avoid dunces.

Dharam Khalsa with:
An erotic novel =
No one vertical!

Tony Crafter with:
Detect saliva in ~
dental cavities.

Rosie Perera with:
Money doesn't grow on trees =
No green woods on my street.

Tony Crafter with:
Pre-set mode ~
pedometers.

Tony Crafter with:
Holiday snap =
Lady on a ship.

Meyran Kraus with:
The malaria parasite infections =
I spot the ailment in Africa's area.

Meyran Kraus with:
The malaria infections =
One ailment hits Africa.


Paul Laskoski with:
America's Most Dangerous Cities =
Detroit amasses U.S. crime. Can I go?

David Bourke with:
Pearls before swine =
Brassiere flew open!

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Rembrandt - 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Nicolaes Tulp'. =
A lot of men sit enthralled by a rotund man's corpse!

2nd - View with:
'Ivanhoe' by Sir Walter Scott =
The basic violent war story.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The amateur vocalist Susan Boyle =
A matchless star alive on "Youtube".

Neil Ramsay with:
The Osbournes: Reloaded ‡
sober, serene adulthood.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Internet Music downloads =
We transmit sound I cloned.

Scott Gardner with:
Emily Bronte's classic "Wuthering Heights" =
A hit success home-written by English girl.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Theory of Moral Sentiments by Adam Smith =
Brainy methods of this tome melt many hearts.

Rosie Perera with:
Monty Python's "Life of Brian" starring Graham Chapman =
Charming pagan men spoof a holy infant martyr's birth

Ellie Dent with:
Auguste Rodin, the sculptor =
A sculpture's nude: too right!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Jean Baptiste Camille Corot =
Not call it a masterpiece job?!

Adie Pena with:
The musicians Emerson, Lake and Palmer =
These ample names and rock luminaries.

Rosie Perera with:
The "Britain's Got Talent" star Susan Boyle =
Sings; belts it out better than on a salary!

Tony Crafter with:
Britain's latest YouTube sensation =
It's about Susan Boyle. It entertains!

Rosie Perera with:
YouTube Symphony Orchestra at Carnegie Hall =
They can play great music there so honourably.

Rosie Perera with:
Spinal Tap: "These go to eleven!" =
A pop event gets lethal noise.

Ellie Dent with:
Susan Boyle sings 'Cry Me A River' =
Yes! A very musical singer's born.

David A. Green with:
Henri Charri�re's autobiography Papillon =
Ah, pity a prisoner in a rough, horrible place.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Man, those Rolling Stones ~
still gather no moss - none!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Triumph of Death" by Dutch master Pieter Bruegel =
My humble thought: It depicts a perturbed hereafter!

Adie Pena with:
Desai =
Aside!

David Bourke with:
The Charlie's Angels actress Farrah Fawcett =
Reflect, as she fights cancer: "What a real star!"

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Craigslist killer =
I strike call-girls.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
First Lady Michelle Obama meets Queen Elizabeth II =
My little familiar squeeze habit becomes headline.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
England's home to ~
the London Games.

Rosie Perera with:
Man's legs severed to fit in coffin =
Giant stiff forced in? Seems novel!

View with:
NATO summit in Strasbourg =
A mob riots using tantrums.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'm wondering why it's called an income tax "return" =
Calculating mine, I'd owe IRS my next hard-won rent!

Meyran Kraus with:
Massacre at Immigration Center =
Tragic moment... America's in tears.

Rick Rothstein with:
The massacre at an Immigration Center =
Notice, this mere act merits an anagram.

View with:
Massacre in upstate NY =
A true panic, nasty mess.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Every little kid near L'Aquila shakes =
Several killed in Italy's earthquake.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Clare Victoria Balding =
I badger victor all I can.

Rosie Perera with:
Vermont legalizes gay marriage =
Amazing! Lovers migrate eagerly.

Scott Gardner with:
The death and resurrection of Christ =
In short, I attended church for Easter.

Ellie Dent with:
Then I cry, "God's Son ~
dying on the cross."

Dharam Khalsa with:
The annual Easter Bonnet Festival of NYC =
Fanfare event to announce best silly hat

Rosie Perera with:
The annual Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington, DC =
Contains lavish flowering trees and blotchy humans.

Adie Pena with:
American President Obama =
Some Arabian predicament?

Rosie Perera with:
Risen from the grave =
The saving reformer.

Tony Crafter with:
Easter Sunday =
Tuesday's near!

Tony Crafter with:
Phil Spector is found guilty of murder in a retrial =
Millionaire hits-producer snuffed out party-girl.

Rosie Perera with:
Recession leaves funeral business in grave state =
See average burial fees; invest in an urn (costs less)!

Rosie Perera with:
International counterpiracy task force =
Current opinion: attack any corsair fleet.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Released memos could lead to more disclosures =
Some sure to recall older seldom-used CIA modes.

Rick Rothstein with:
An overnight celebrity =
Boyle... recent, raving hit.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ten years after the Columbine High School massacre ~
it's easy to sell or bear arms. Not much change, eh Chief?

Rosie Perera with:
Susan Boyle debuts new hairdo, ~
dyes it a nebulous brown shade.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Earth Day: April twenty-second =
Plant yew trees and do charity.

Rosie Perera with:
Obama's approval rating high, but will it last?=
A big margin - how apt! At last, I'll top rival Bush.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The swine flu outbreak =
The future is now bleak.

Jessica S with:
Usual weather forecast on a Denver spring day =
Regard fate: heavy snow; clouds; sun; rain... repeat!

Larry Brash with:
The swine flu pandemic ~
inflicted humans... weep.

Paul Pan with:
Swine flu ~
flew in us.

Adie Pena with:
Swine flu panic =
Painful winces.

Tony Crafter with:
Mosques of hate =
Quotes of shame.

Dan Fortier with:
Pontiac's days are numbered =
Auto praised by car men ends.

Adie Pena with:
Swine flu cases are on the rise =
See how it increases funerals.

Rosie Perera with:
WHO elevates pandemic threat level =
We see TV method: reveal lethal panic.

Rosie Perera with:
Obama's report card at one hundred days =
Compared to one dreary Bush standard: "A"

David Bourke with:
One hundred days of President Obama =
Hopes fade, more industry abandoned.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Bronte sisters: Charlotte, Emily and Anne =
Eternal tales by the stoic Northern maidens.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The Scottish amateur singer Susan Boyle =
Britain's Got Talent: You see she charms us!

3rd - Linus Thoren with:
President George Walker Bush =
He gets power, dark rule begins.

View with:
Ginola =
In !..G-O-A-L!

Larry Brash with:
Edward Theodore Gein =
Ogre denied Death Row.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Superstar Madonna Louise Ciccone =
Rules on adoption can seem a "Circus".

Ellie Dentwith:
Monsieur Claude Oscar Monet =
Sun came out: colors remained.

David Bourke with:
Clare Victoria Balding =
Over-critical, banal dig.

Linus Thoren with:
The German dictator, Adolf Hitler=
Death controller aimed at fright.

Adie Pena with:
Britain's Got Talent's Susan Boyle =
Tiny tube stars global sensation.

David Bourke with:
Edward Heathcoat-Amory =
Oh dear me! What a Tory cad!

Meyran Kraus with:
The Unknown Rebel in the Tiananmen Square protests =
A unique, brash person won't let the men enter in tanks.

David Bourke with:
Princess Letizia of Asturias =
Flirtatious, prizes a nice ass!

Adie Pena with:
'Golden Girl' Bea Arthur, Eighty-Six =
Horrible tragedy? Exits laughing!

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

eq1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Houses of Parliament =
That's one heap of misrule

eq1st - Scott Gardner with:
The East African lion =
A feline (in short, a cat).

3rd - Adie Pena with:
The Portuguese Water Dog Club of America =
Top Obama wish: Cute four-legged creature.

Crispy with:
April Fool's Day =
I'll parody oafs.

Tony Crafter with:
A three-pack of Durex condoms =
Expand for a cock-sure method!

Rosie Perera with:
Federal Bureau of Investigation =
Data on nefarious fugitive rebel.

View with:
American International Group =
Corrupt manager, nation in a lie.

Ellie Dent with:
The Musee Rodin, Paris, France =
I praise some French nude art.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Democratic People's Republic of Korea =
Europe's proclaimed it block for peace.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Sinai Desert =
It's in the Red Sea.

View with:
'Gillette' =
Gel title.

Rosie Perera with:
Temporary Assistance for Needy Families =
Refers to some financial-aid payer system.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Serengeti National Park =
Great elephant or snake in it.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Whose accents are these?

1. "Burn da ganja, mon!"
2. "I ain't curin' HIS ass!"
3. "Oh, sod it! That's a smashing crumpet!"
4. "Nau I vill ruin zee movie!" =
1. Sting's 'Jamaican'
2. An Americanized Hugh Laurie in the TV show "House"
3. Madonna's 'British'
4. Steve Martin's Inspector Clouseau

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle, Keith Moon, Pete Townshend =
Older men, jointly known as The Who, presented it together.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A weird twit who sent ten different puns to alum pals unfortunately had high hopes ~
that at least a few of the fresh wry puns would inspire them to laugh. No pun in ten did.

Rosie Perera with:
House of Representatives passes Pay for Performance Act =
Perhaps pare compensation for every CEO, as States suffer.

Tony Crafter with:
The Latin phrase: 'Semper in excretia, solon profundum variat' =
I'm in eternal shit (some unpopular depth variance for extras).

Rosie Perera with:
Madame Tussauds unveils wax figure of First Lady Michelle Obama =
Surnamed museum adds fairly exact visual image of BHO's tall wife.

David Bourke with:
The "Wall of Sound" record producer Harvey Phillip Spektor =
Drunk relic, creator of other's shallow, hyped-up pop drivel.

David Bourke with:
The number of Somali pirates killed by each President =
Obama: Three blacks up!
Other: Nil
Definitely impressed!

Rosie Perera with:
The Convention for the Suppression of Unlawful Acts Against the Safety of Maritime Navigation =
Manic pirates, if you want to go free (intact), not snuff it (among fish), then leave our vast ships alone!

View with:
US, Mexico Leaders Pledge Cooperation on Economy, Drugs =
Calderon complains: 'Exorcise, remedy, gouge out dope, son!'

Dharam Khalsa with:
Susan Boyle does "Titanic" theme on the Larry King show =
I notice US host's shaken by a tender "My Heart Will Go On".

Adie Pena with:
"I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse." (American President Barack Hussein Obama) =
See salacious pair? Disapprove kinkiness!
Our bag? Momma Michelle and I aren't into backroom sex like her.

View with:
Japan is giving thousands of dollars to immigrant workers who agree to leave the country =
To revive growth, Land of the Rising Sun pays Latin Americans to 'Just go or walk home, dear. Go!'


Rosie Perera with:
Egypt slaughters all pigs to prevent swine flu outbreak =
Upset Gulf state began plans to kill every pure sow, right?

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
April is National Poetry Month in North America =
Companion
    To my heart
Inspiration
    In all her art.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
In all its patriot prime,
A nation can honor rhyme.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
April is National Poetry Month in North America =
In thirty million, to a man
I hear not a proper scan.

Larry Brash with:
A scholarly Arian poem.
Print it in a tinhorn tome.

Larry Brash with:
April is National Poetry Month in North America =
No art at all in rap rhyme?
That opinion is no crime!

Dharam Khalsa with:
In a rhythm participate?
On a roll? No, sir...nominate.

Rosie Perera with:
Halt! No man in or on prairie
can stop the military.

View with:
Rich or a Rhymester I am not,
Not plain - in pain ... a lot!

Rosie Perera with:
I rant, as a holy hint:
No pee (or immoral act) in print.

Dharam Khalsa with:
My aim: transcription;
An honor? Ha! All repetition.

David Bourke with:
April sonnet? To April, eh?
(No, it ain't in March or May!)

Adrian Hickford with:
A simpler plain citation -
One rhythm-ran oration.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
I ... I'm Antony, Cleopatra ...
Oh, help in intro, Mr. Sinatra!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Poem plan in my nation?
Hail rich art restoration!

Tony Crafter with:
Rhymes, pin-point alliteration,
Charm an oration.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Rhythmic spirit Oriental
On a piano ornamental.

Ellie Dent with:
All rhyme participation:
in short, enamor nation.

Meyran Kraus with:
Not a charm in Paris Hilton?
Try a pioneer - a Milton!

Neil Ramsay with:
Chant this prayer,
A tip to no man nor millionaire.

Meyran Kraus with:
Note: I am no Lear nor Plath...
In art, "ironic" is my path.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Inspire that in Al Pacino,
or homely Mr. Tarantino

Adie Pena with:
Open my rational heart,
This ironic, nominal part.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Roman rain into Spain
May (tri)color the plain.

Jessica S with:
Honor Carl, Plath, or Maya / In intent, aim to inspire

Dan Fortier with:
Imprint he, a scroll... in rain!
Poet honor may attain.

Tony Crafter with:
As, in militant Iran,
Open, atomic horror they plan.

Rosie Perera with:
None! I'm not mailin'
Party rhetoric to Sarah Palin.

Paul Laskoski with:
Inspiration, ah, pal in time�
Control an art o' rhyme.

Tony Crafter with:
I try: Milton, Ratan, Romeo,
Anais Nin, Rich, Plath, Poe!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Python International:
"Impose charm irrational!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Holy strain in a torn tome,
Principal art in a home.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a few minutes, he calls to the waiter, "Hey man, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The room immediately goes silent.

In a very deep and husky voice, the young woman next to him says, "Because you are blind, I think it is only fair that you should know these five things before you commence that joke, cowboy:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a muscular blonde.

I am a six-foot tall, hundred and ninety-nine-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The lady sitting next to me here is a blonde and is a title-winning professional weightlifter.

The woman standing there to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about this seriously, cowboy; do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

=

A cowboy went into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee.

As he sat stirring his drink, a blonde sat on the stool next to him.

A bit later, she turned to him and asked, 'Are you really a cowboy?'

'Well,' he replied affably, 'all my working life I've been breakin' colts, herdin' steers, goin' off to hoss rodeos, fixin' fences, rearin' calves, doctorin' calves, balin' hay, fixin' flats, doin' jobs on tractors, shootin' the odd rabbit, feedin' my dogs, and battlin' the elements so, yes, I guess I'm really a cowboy.'

The blonde replied, 'I am a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. Soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think of women when I eat. Hell, it seems just about anything makes me think of women.'

After that, they both sat drinking in silence.

Later a young man sat on a stool next to the pair and said, 'Hey buddy, are you really a cowboy?'

'Hell, I'd always thought I was, 'he retorted, 'but I just found out I'm really a lesbian.'

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Don't walk behind, for I may not lead. Don't walk ahead, for I may not follow. Don't walk beside me either. Please leave me the hell alone!

Its always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspapers, that's when its time to go and do it.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Before you take the opportunity to criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if you criticise them, you're a good mile away and you have their shoes.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for one day. Teach him how to fish, and he'll go sit in a boat and drink beer all day long.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

Everyone seems pretty normal until you get to know them.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a handful of car payments.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you're not able to be replaced, you'll never get promoted.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

=

If at first you do not succeed, aerial skydiving is probably not really for you.

If you lend someone (a low feeble jerk) any money and you never see the effete moron again, it was definitely one bloody wise investment.

If you always tell the truth, you do not have to remember a thing.

Some days you are the poor wee bug; any other days you are the windshield.

Probably the quickest way to double your money is to merely fold it in half and immediately just slip it in your back pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Duct tape is somewhat like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the whole Universe together.

There are just two undeniably fine male theories about arguing with anyone female (like the wife at home). Look, neither one will work.

Broadly speaking, you are not learning a lot when your lips are moving. Preferably, also, do not miss a chance to shut up.

Remember, do not, for any reason, take a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the same night.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two native Alaskans crouching within a boat were cold, so they started a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, the boat immediately sank...
~
with them, in a fireball. It's a new twist on a classic problem. Right, friends (granted, it's no secret): you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

Adie Pena with:
A woman found her rotund husband with the fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she probed.

"Hunting some flies," he replied.

"Killed any, sweetheart?" she sarcastically pried.

"Yep! Six males, five females," he quickly countered.

~

Quite intrigued, she fussily asked him, "And how can you tell them apart, muddlehead?"

"Why I can classify them, girl!" he skillfully responded. "No sweat! Six were by a can of beer, other five separate turds were on the phone."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." � Susan B. Anthony =
I know she meant one's poor associate who would consistently twist words in the Bible to dispute or accuse, while doing what they (Satan) wished.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Old-Fashioned Girl's Names

Augusta
Beatrice
Bertha
Belle
Beulah
Christina
Christobel
Constance
Dolores
Dorothy
Elnora
Elsa
Elspeth
Erma
Ernestine
Eudora
Evangeline
Francine
Frances
Genevieve
Gladys
Gwendolyn
Hazel
Helen
Henrietta
Hester
Ida
Isadora
Jemima
Josephine
Judith
Louisa
Loretta
Lucia
Lucinda
Lucretia
Mabel
Matilda
Mavis
Melinda
Millicent
Miriam
Myra
Myrna
Myrtle
Nadine
Nancy
Naomi
Octavia
Opal
Priscilla
Prudence
Roberta
Rosalind
Rosemary
Ruth
Theodora
Ursula
Vada
Wilhelmina
Willa
Winifred

=

Old-Fashioned Boys Names:

Abel
Abraham
Adam
Angelo
Antoine
Antonio
Arnold
Avery
Bertrand
Caine
Cecil
Cedric
Chauncey
Chester
Clement
Clifford
Conrad
Cyrus
Daniel
Darius
Earle
Edgar
Edmund
Edwin
Elias
Elliot
Emilio
Emmett
Ethan
Evander
Ezra
Fabian
Gahan
Gale
Gary
Graham
Hector
Herbert
Hirum
Isaiah
Jarvis
Jonas
Julian
Lance
Leander
Lemuel
Leo
Martin
Miles
Milo
Nathaniel
Neville
Niles
Oliver
Otis
Paul
Percival
Peter
Philip
Seymour
Silas
Stuart
Talus
Thaddeus
Theodore
Timothy
Tobias
Warren
Willis
Wilmur
Yannis

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 86


2nd - Adie Pena with:


The solution


3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a wealthy Chinese businessman and an Australian man were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must've been waiting twenty minutes at least.'

The Indian doctor added, 'Hmm... I don't know, but I've never seen such incompetent play!'

The Chinese businessman shouted out 'Move on, you men! Time's money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Oh; here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'George?' asked the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're somewhat slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper responded, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their eyesight saving our clubhouse from an inferno last year, so we let them play for nothing whenever they want to.'

The group fell silent for some moments.

Then the Catholic priest commented, 'That's just so very sad. I think I may have to say an extra-special prayer for those people tonight.'

The Indian doctor nodded and said, 'Yes, that's a very good idea. I intend to contact my ophthalmology colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman added, 'I think I'll donate twenty-thousand dollars to the fire-fighters union, just to honour these unusually brave souls.'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'

=

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they arrive there, St. Peter says, 'We have just one official rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are millions of fluffy ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Sorry, but your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this horribly ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another, uglier, oaf of a man. He chains them together with the same admonition as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all of this and, not wishing to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is religiously careful where she steps.

She manages to go for months without stepping on a duck. One day St. Peter comes to her with the finest man she has ever laid eyes on ... tall, muscular, handsome, green eyes, shiny fair hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

'Alleluia!' giggles the joyful woman. 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.


Tony Crafter with:
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life


Dharam Khalsa with:
Though April showers may come your way


Neil Ramsay with:
Three Haikus


Dharam Khalsa with:
An adaptation of Phronistery's list of Philosophical Isms


Adie Pena with:
I Dreamed A Dream


View with:
Ebony and ivory


Dharam Khalsa with:
Where the Sidewalk Ends

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Rick Rothstein with:
A high school student: ~
"I'd shag hot cunt holes."

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The arse bandit =
Behind's a treat.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Dryness in the vaginal area =
Has a granny tried Vaseline?

Adie Pena with:
Indecent exposures =
Nudes excite person.

Tony Crafter with:
A motherf*cker =
Father-mocker.

View with:
Huge penis =
His pee-gun.

Paul Pan with:
Indecent exposure =
Peroxide cunt seen.

Larry Brash with:
Indecent exposure =
Executed in person.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Incurable sex fiend =
Inexcusable friend.

David Bourke with:
'Hustler' - A Larry Flynt Publication =
Filthy porn lubricates naturally!

Rick Rothstein with:
Masturbatory fantasies =
Our mania's fatty breasts.

Paul Laskoski with:
A blow job =
Ol' jaw bob.